Recently...

Hurt, hurt,and hurt...

2010-04-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

I had a chat with my friend today, and it came to touch an issue that came to my attention. She says "I don't wonder why things happen, I just ignore it and keep smiling. I don't hurt others for what I want. And I think feeling hurt for others is a waste of time and energy when the others don't care."

A sudden surge of emotion swept through me, one which I didn't recognize immediately. All these while I walk around the place, seeing banners in promotion of humanity for it is diminishing, reading news of wars taking place, picking snippets of murder cases and other heinous acts, watching people live with a proud unfounded ego. And I wonder about the causes of all this. Part of the answer is so near; there are so many people that cares solely for themselves. Surely as a human, we aren't born this way??? So what happened???

I do no know the answer, and that is not the main concern for this entry either.

THESE people, are the roots of the chaos spreading among humanity. When you don't wonder why things happen,you will not care to learn about the story. When you don't learn about the stories, you won't learn about the people whom you've hurt unknowingly. And since you don't know, you will keep on going hurting people around you.

Up to this point, I can already fathom what's needed to be.

"So I have to care or feel hurt for every single person that cares for me? how pathetic."
These are the last words from her tonight.

Now I recognize that feeling that pulsed through a moment back; it was sadness and pity.

Shoes

2010-04-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

Embracing my feet, is a pair of shoes.

The solace of warmth that sheaths my feet as I tread the cold hard earth. Every step is an effort meant to hurt, yet safely tucked within these fabrics meant to deceive. Of the occasions in attempt of mischief, we bare our feet on the annoying sands, adhering bits of sore into the secluded comfort.

Why?

Because it means bittersweet memories now walks with us. From an experience we do not wish to forget, we taint the warmth of embrace upon our feet. The amelioration of this prickly ambient blessed on our feet, is not something matched by the mere strength of words. But the same could not be said for the more languid self.

Not for the mind, but for the heart.

If I could savor such warmth and comfort to my heart as to my feet. Will I renounce the tears I shed for endeavors not spoken? I do not know. If there is a pair of shoes for my heart, will I be brave enough to achieve what I set out to attain? My heart is walking the thorny path of dead roses. Bleeding still, the wounds grew deeper with every step I take. Numb, from the shivering frost of seclusion, unlike that of my feet.

I want a pair of shoes for my heart.
I would rather weep from the pains of mortal wounds, than sob from the barefooted heart.

*Inspired by Gerviene, entry on April 09 2010.

When you know its not infatuation...

2010-04-04T07:51:00.000-07:00

Drifting down the morbid sequence of everyday life, we seek out thrills that comes so profoundly the moment we need it. We will pursuit the temporary, knowing it will die before us. Momentarily indulge in the illusive satisfaction, knowing that is not what we're truly looking for. Tainting the meaning of sadness, manipulating it as a cover up. Because at that moment, sanity sounds reproachful alongside reality. These short-lived deceits seem so welcoming, and somewhere inside us we hear a distant desire. They sound so familiar, but in truth a stranger. A stranger that promises harm especially when you let them into your heart. That stranger goes by the name "infatuation".

How do I tell this stranger apart?

You know it is not when your breathes are taken away from you.
You know it is not when you can conjure no malice.
You know it is not when all others dull in comparison.
You know it is not when you can't give it up without killing yourself.
You know it is not when the thought of losing it overcomes the fear of death.
You know it is not when time fails to provide erosion.
You know it is not when it only come once in a lifetime.
And that when you know it is too late...

I will never settle for infatuations, because I can never be...

The Meaning of Writing

2010-03-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

I couldn't even think of where to start, when I question myself what it means to write here, now. For obvious reasons, I started on this perpetual routine of writing a record of my random thoughts at the presence to remind myself what crossed my unfathomable psychological conscience. But ever thought of just what, exactly, is taking place and is it worthy of attention? Should I deny myself of this impulsive urge to post a string of pragmatical sentences which derived from perhaps a unimportant figure such as myself, will anything change?

Yes.

An idea is only a whim of conjured thoughts restricted to yourself if you are unable to present or share it. Describing it in a more comprehensive term; useless. An idea is not perfect at its birth, it needs to be molded by intervening minds which is cynically trying to destroy it. Only by persevering through such irony will it be deemed 'useful'. And how, exactly, are we able to do it? We write it out. Its a form of record for the development of conjugated thoughts, condensing from languid wisps of uncertainties to a solid wall of logic defeating the orthodox. Remember that writing, even if its just a simple diary, is the trajectory path to the birth of something impressive.

Now, a fool will read the surface and leave it be while the wise will reach out for the depth.

Does writing serves only technical purposes? No, my dears, definitely not. Right now at this exact moment, I am writing out what serves a bigger purpose than the former mentioned, and has definitely more to it than meets the eye. Writing is actually a sanctified time for the writer where he or she can confront themselves. As words from yourselves appear in front of you, you are actually reading from what is within yourselves. No one else can truly engage the sentiments imbued into these little symbols replacing speech but the writers themselves. When the finishing touch has been laid, you will see a piece of yourself manifesting within these scratches and scribbles. These are your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions; a little piece of you. And like all parents are proud of their child, writers, too, will relief in marvel of his own piece. Though, such feelings are entirely personal and unperceived by any others.

A post for myself...

2010-03-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

To think that I haven't any idea how to start a blog, is despicable. One of those times, again. The single passing moment when a gazillion module of thoughts just cascaded into your head, drowning you in a few seconds of blissful thoughts, then came the crashing despair that you can't seem to hold on to any one of it. Speaking of a leaking sandbox, impromptu memories and merry times tags the trickling sands of time as well; the next second its all gone.

So what happened, exactly? The putrid miasma that lingered around my wake had elevated for the last few days...Its a contrast of priorities, and of what we hold dear. Even in escape, there is no solace for the weak of heart. Pain follows. Knowing it and having it thrown at your face is two different things, where the latter can shed a ludicrous amount of tears bore from the eyes of the former's beholder.

Run, even the heaviest heart could not weight me down, for I'm a coward that's had enough of dubious dreams.

No one knew, no one will...

3 Drops Away...

2010-03-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

The rain had passed, leaving a hazy drizzle of moist in the air. Inhales bring with it a calm soothe that creeps all the way to the heart, assimilating purity with the putridity within myself. Yes, cleanse me please, for unknown to anyone I am rotting from within.

*Drop

*Sigh. Ironic. What came from the serenity blessed by the heavens, is breathed out with despair. Just one droplet falling from the heavens, marked the time it takes for my life to return to solemnness. A shiver down my spine tells me something is drawing near.

*Drop

Something just clenched myself tightly from within. Ouch. It seems so familiar, yet so distant. Oh yes, its the piece of Me I tried to throw away. Now its back, claiming from me the price of ignorance. It is trying to remind me that I can't dismiss of Him, forever. Because He and I
are of the same flesh and blood.

*Drop

Nothing has changed. I'm back where I started, shrouded in what's seemingly a lifetime bond with this foul knave I brought upon myself. Now I know, He is something I have to carry for the rest of my life. Moving on, like people had done, is not possible; for I had only managed to walk 3 drops away...

The Closest Stranger

2010-03-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

To me, Love is like a waltz,
holding you in my arms lovingly, steps along each others,
not letting go, till the end of it all.

Loving you is like music,
When I found one that I'm fond of, I will repeat it,
refusing to miss even a second of it,
and I let it repeats,
until another one take its place.

To Wait, is blissful,
and I even told you,
that I will Wait forever.

But Waiting is ever painful and tiring.

One of the greatest Pain in the world,
is to see my heart wither and shatter.

Yet, piece by piece, I mend them back,
unknown to anyone.

I Shall Wait No More.

For I have learned to Let Go.

With a slight hint of pain, you say
I Don't Love You.

But, You Do Not Know

Behind my Cruelty,
is my desire to give you happiness,
that is to set you Free.

My Tears,
fall on your footprints as you leave,
so that I can Hide them from your eyes.

Like shadows during sunset,
our Distance grows ever longer.

I thought that I can Forget,
only to realize I'm lost in Memories of you.

Occasionally, it Hurts.

Occasionally, I Cry.

Living in memories of you,
I can only learn how to Disguise,
cover everything in beautiful Lies.

My Heart can't let you go.

I tried,
Throwing you out of my heart.

But in the end,
I Returned in tears to pick you up again.

Everyday, in silence, I still Care about you,
hidden from all eyes.

We both know, that our paths will Never Cross Again.
Like parallel tracks, getting Further Away from each other.

We can never be friends, for we had Hurted each other.

Never be enemies, for we had Loved each other.

We can only be,
the Closest Strangers.

This stranger that Miss You so much,
can only Pray That You Will Smile.

~Cherish Time To Love~

*This is a translated piece.

Stand and Walk

2010-03-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

Chill around the cafeteria at campus, watch others pouring in and out. In a glimpse, their life seems so peaceful. Perhaps. Stresses can be seen along the lines of some spent faces, joy as illuminating as neon lights from their smile, sadness so deep it drown colors from their eyes, an air of emptiness so blatant they might be lost. But whatever it is they are feeling at the moment, it didn't stop them from walking around the place. The wonders and pain, of taking another step forward.

During the better days, all you can do is cry. In a few months, you had learned to crawl. By the age of one, you are already trying to stand. What comes next is us trying to start running from a wobbly standing posture. Weak as we are before, we were still determined to achieve what we desire. Falling flat on our arses, knocking the air out of ourselves, crying out loud, returning to the start of this routinized module; we try again.

There was once when I brought great joy to myself and everyone around me; I can finally stand and run into the arms of my parents.

Now here we are, forgetting what it meant and cost ourselves just only by standing here. People around me, old and matured enough to break their parent's hearts, forgetting how we learn to stand. They are crying, endlessly, lost like a baby, refusing to stand again, waiting for others to lift them up in comfort, just like those whose very heart they've broken had did in the past. It is a sad thing to even know exists.

Never stop walking forward. Take your time. Wipe your tears. Lift your head. Grope through the dark when the light is out. You don't need a reason, nor a destination. Just walk and accept what comes in front. Then perhaps, once again, you can bring joy to this miserable world.

Time-Killing Post

2010-03-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

As of late, passing days had been of a grueling mess. Like many of my peers around me, we're bounded by similar...problems (for lack of a better noun) that seems so new in this stage of our growth: studies, relations, looks, money, dreams, sleep (cheers people, for this one scores high). An d being no better than an average fool lurking around this pathetic world, I'm not spared. Have my fair share of the aforementioned...distractions...the way I see it. And does not has the privilege of saying I can handle them any better than anyone. And the way I am bothered by it these days, most probably I'm among the very worst.

I have a very proud way of solving things. Been there since I-don't-know-when, but I've been ever increasingly reluctant to accept help from others. I'd rather fail hard and painfully by myself than to admit I should have asked. Truth be said, the 'pride' comes from the fact that I'm able to stand up and declare I've learned a precious experience on my own. Was. Not anymore. Brought upon my conscience is the fact that I've been falling deep into certain matters and is now too late to heave myself out of the abysmal depth. A friend's quote "If you trip over it then you can stand again, but if you fall for it then it is forever." Nice. How bizarre it is that one thing affects another even when its non-related.

Spawned from the habit of not sharing, comes the price of non-empathy. When others no longer know what is hurting you, they unintentionally (for the sake of remaining optimistic) bring it up in front of you, casting me deeper into the pit I dug.

If sleep is ever a problem, I can say that the only thing I love about that is I can temporarily block out the world, sometimes.

Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs

2010-03-04T07:59:00.000-08:00

Hey Snow White, do you remember? It was us who took you in when you were lost in the forest. During your darkest hours, when you were abandoned, helpless, weak, and unsecured, we took it up on ourselves to make sure these mentioned demons retreat.

We are a group of people unpleasant to the eyes, but you know very well how much compassion we can share. You, who is the green in the eyes of all humans, brought joy and light to our dull and repetitive days, taught us how beautiful life can be even for people like us. We swore to ourselves, that we will let no harm come to you as long as one of us still breathes.

We have failed.

For though we have hearts rivaling a battalion of knights, our flesh is still of a group of short little men. What we did was what we could. So is it enough?

That is for you to answer.

But you don't have to tell us, for in the blink of an eye it didn't matter anymore.

Prince Charming came, and it seems that he was the one that you've always been waiting for. The beautiful smile on your face equals a million words. Go. That is where your "happily ever after" lies.

Now we have returned to our lives before you came. We thought we did.

We didn't.

Every time we look around, we see memoirs of your presence. We had come to learn about joy and love, learned that our lives before you were miserable, that you are a our precious princess. And now finally, we learned that life without you is the true meaning of pain.

But we are aware of our destiny: As the seven dwarfs, we are not meant to be part of your 'happily ever after', but only to keep it alive and write about it...

Tell me...

2010-02-21T03:57:00.000-08:00

What if, one day, "evils" like murder, robbery, rape, blackmail, kidnap, etc...went out of control? As in the society no longer thinks that those are something that is "wrong"...? The person standing next to you at a bus stand can just suddenly get killed by another guy just because his foot got stepped on, people will still be scared by such incidents oh yes, but only because it looks hideous. In short, what if "conscience" has been rewritten?

Are you smiling now after reading that? To an extent it is VERY exaggerated, true. But what if I say that although the imagery is far-fetched, it is not the least bit "impossible"? (Least so in my opinion) Still smiling? Allow me to explain why I'm saying this...

Ever had opinions of your own that you can't voice out? Or decisions that was made by yourself had to be changed because someone make you? I believe everyone do. But how many of those incidents happened because someone executed authority over you instead of persuasion via verbal logic exchange? Well my life is filled with lots of those, which is the reason why I took notice...

"You WILL do what I say because I am who I am and there is nothing you can do about it, except suffer the consequences of my wrath."

"When the time comes, just screw it. I can blame myself. Nevermind."

"I don't want to talk anymore, had enough. I'll do what I please."

"Everyone is doing it. So I just WANT to do it, cause I like it as well. I'm enjoying it, that's enough."

All the answers above will always end any communication I'm having. Most of the time it will result in me sulking. For me, the conversations should NOT end like this, cause it is NOT the end. Sooner or later, the society will cross the line drawn during the past. The line that we refrain from stepping over to "evil", and the line that keeps us moving namely "conscience", is drawing nearer to each other.

Will it lap over one day...?

"You WILL do what I say because I am who I am and there is nothing you can do about it, except suffer the consequences of my wrath." Authority is NOT reason.

"When the time comes, just screw it. I can blame myself. Nevermind." Running head-on into obvious trouble is stupidity, not bravery and more less a reason.

"I don't want to talk anymore, had enough. I'll do what I please." What do you mean by "enough"? Does it means "I don't want to talk about reasons anymore cause it is complicated, I'll submit to stupidity and ignorance"?

"Everyone is doing it. So I just WANT to do it, cause I like it as well. I'm enjoying it, that's enough." Selfishness

These are not right, but why is everyone still doing it?

Spare a second...

2010-02-18T06:04:00.000-08:00

Whenever you came across a decision, whether its just a simple opinion you've decided to state or an impression you are about to keep, hold it...

Spare a second, ponder a little more what will that decide...

The changes...

The people involved...

What will happen to you...

What will happen to other people, especially those important to you...

The effects...

The cause...

The purpose...

Pick any of the above and think about it, even only for a second...

My favourite...?

"Is this another one for my selfishness?"

Should I...

2010-02-10T05:48:00.000-08:00

Somewhere sometime ago, I had a purpose. An aim.

It was optional, by my own will I decided to do it.

I did. Almost there...

But after that...

Will I still be needed...?

Did I succeed in what I set out to do...?

I might have failed, just to ignorant to know...

Its sad...

Conflicts in the head...

Think...For that is the way I deal with things...

Thoughts came...But I gave it away...

I'm just a coward, insignificant in my very own eyes...

Perhaps its time for me to leave...

This party of silhouettes with masked faces...

Meant for me alone...

End of the month...

2010-01-30T17:05:00.000-08:00

With the urge to fill up my blog with yet another entry before the month ends, I am here now after a morning workout waiting for my family to rouse. Ideas? None. Inspiration? All time low. Life? As usual (does not bode well).

With the lack of attentiveness to everything around me for the entire month, days had been dragging pass at the rate of a crawling snail (for lack of a better metaphor). The only thing that is working well so far? That would be the game face I put on when I appear in public. Blogging had became the sole solace for my own ranting, a form of record my future reference, and nonetheless a reminder of my failure in handling myself.

Been treading myself down to earth lately; inconsistent sleeping hours, overhauling the body, stressing the mind on mingling thoughts. Never much of a religious person, I've never spend time trying to talk to God when I'm alone. OK, maybe I do, sometimes. But I never really surrender much to Him. Pretty much blasphemous, I had maintained a "I will accomplish things myself without having to rely on anyone" mindset for a considerable time now. And by "anyone" it means He is included. Not because of pride or anything foolishly personal, but its past experience that taught me where relying on others includes a certain amount of risk, involving relentless disappointment. Its part of the idea that partially includes me not sharing my problems, least not with the wrong company. By that I do not mean non-trustworthy or anything near mockery, but its just that parties that are not involved will NOT share any empathy.

I hate myself for being weak and useless, even more so that I'm showing parts of it, much more so that I can't change it....

Of Chocolate Chips and Bananas

2010-01-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

Another day, gone, painted in a nutshell of assumed regularities and laughter. Some will kill, some will lament, some will whiff it away and laugh till the day itself end. Though, more is the envious of the peaceful day I had just gone through. Halt. Look into my eyes. What do you people see? Can you feel through the awkwardness, an inconsistency that's swirling within me? No. No you can't. Today feels as if it doesn't belong to me. How can you smile and laugh when you are hurting so much within? How can you care about others when you are not able to give any for yourself to reside in? All these does not go along. Irregularities. Non-beneficial lies. Idiocy. Hypocrisy. Overwhelming stupidity. Lay these down for me as I'm well acquitted to claim them as I live.

No. That is not it. I'm a realists. I carry the heart of a perfectionist molded with a slight essence of emphatists. Languid smokes of comfort occasionally bearing the form of truth arises from the smoldering ashes of the past. There is a reason I do all these silly stunts that strays from sanity. As I look around, I saw familiarities in others. They, too, are doing the same albeit motivated by a different cause. Yes, in life we choose things that go against written facts. But the best results does not always mean the most favored. We are humans. It is in our innate nature to seek what's best for ourselves, deceiving warnings issued by our mind. But the important thing is, we love and enjoy the beautiful and fabulous feeling that is only attainable through such silly actions...

When baking, it is a common practice to NOT mix inorganic flavors (Chocolate chips) with organic flavors (bananas). It is said that out tongue is unable to differentiate the two tastes out at the same time. Ignoring this will result in a product that is labelled as "tastes weird". Thats a written rule from the past and is proven true. But today we see a revolution in that. Despite the "weird" flavors, men have discovered the better result by pursuing the inordinary. Molding chocolate chips and bananas with butter and baking powder, add in a slight tinge of vanila essence before the baking process, and you will get a palatal stimulating masterpiece.
This is a discovery made by those who trusted in themselves, persevering through jeers and teases.

Edisi tunggal...

2010-01-16T01:09:00.000-08:00

Disebabkan pengaruh sebaya, maka wujudlah keputusan yang selitan terbaru ini akan dibuat dalam Bahasa Malaysia. Namun begitu, kepanasan bilik yang meruntuhkan semangat serta kekurangan tunjang ilham falsafah mengakibatkan kekosongan minda. Oleh demikian, terpaksalah saya memendekkan selitan ini.

Seperti yang dikatakan, kekurangan inspirasi (punca daripada kukurangan oksigen dalam otak berserta jurang masa yang pendek antara selitan terakhir dengan yang terbaru) merupakan masalah besar apabila anda ingin mengecapi keindahan bahasa dalam penulisan yang bermakna. Walaupun bukan secara keseluruhan, saya masih dianggap salah satu peneraju masa depan di menara gading. Biasanya alasan tersebut tidak akan diterima untuk insan yang membawa gelaran "mahasiswa" seperti saya. Sekiranya didapati, besar kemungkinannya saya akan dipaksa mengambil subjek BM sekali lagi. Inilah yang dikatakan "dukacita".

Namun demikian, saya tetap ingin meneruskan selitan kali ini. Walaupun saya tidak mempunyai semangat patriotisme yang kuat, kacang tetap tidak boleh melupakan kulit. Tanah airku tetap Malaysia. Atas alasan demikian, wujudlah teraju hati yang diterima dengan terbuka dimana saya patut mengulang-kaji kefasihan bahasa negaraku.

Sepertimana yang dikatakan di pendahuluan, delitan terkini akan "dipendekkan". Definisi tersebut bermakna saya akan menurunkan noktah di sini. Kesulitan pengarang (saya) yang wujud tetap tidak dapat dibias dalam masa yang pendek. Sekian akhir.

Food for thought; Goth, Literacy, and Me...

2010-01-14T22:09:00.000-08:00

There's a habit of me looking at the clock every single time before I start my blog. Why? A sense if trepidation always sweeps over whenever I do a reality check-up. Knowing that while I dwell on haunting from the past the future keeps coming ever closer. Geological senses are an amazing feat where we humans are privileged to. Of distances, time, emotions, vanities and virtues, we feel them inside of ourselves more than we realize or accept.

~ Blaring in my room now ~

Le Nouveau Gothique. A bittersweet phrase of me addressing me and my perception of my own life. A mild taste of slothfulness emerges at the thought that my latest semester is about to begin. In my life, I had always fought head-on towards calamities and adversities in a multitude of varieties. Many times had I fell, standing up again on bruises yet proud that it didn't stop me from doing so, that in itself fills me with a sense of victory to the brim. The feeling is quite motivating, albeit I know not why it had to be done in the beginning. Are we humans born with a purpose that we seek unknowingly? Perhaps, cause I know not. Of the things I do, is it leading to or serves an ultimate purpose meant to be achieved in the lifespan granted to me? Such questions always conjures up a spiral of other questions. Another fabulous feat of humans. As we think, we are able to chain up one issue to another where a minute ago seems so distant. The way our mind works is a miracle that rivals the mystere of the universe.

Off and on the subject again, I wanted to achieve accomplishments in everything I see. An innate urge drives me like an addiction, quite similar to a primitive survival instinct. An easy life? Wealth? Knowledge? Pride? Vanity? Honestly, these seems so trivial. I know there is something else I want that transcends my own perception of logic, theres a purpose I'm leading my life the way I am now, where in the ultimate end I strive that I may catch the smallest glimpse if not embrace it.

~ This is good ~

Literacy, a worldly achievement by the minds of the past. It allows us to link events across time and space. Feel the mind of those separated by life and death. Represent a world where sometime in the future only imagination can live in. Of the things I'm writing now, perhaps if it's discovered a millenia later, another individual will think like I do now? Now thats what I call living eternally. No cold hard facts, neither quantifiable nor measurable, its felt. Science stream students may laugh, realists may snigger, but I will still wear this proudly. Victory and self-fulfillment is subjective. I pity those who are consumed by the world they are born in, trying to match up to machines and programmes, forgetting they are flesh and blood. Ponder?

My clock shows that in approximately 11 hours and 45 minutes, I'll enter the 21st annual reverie that I came to this earth. Many makes a huge fuss over their 21st birthday. The way I see it; "I've come twenty-one years towards the end of my life. whatever it is I set out to do, I'm getting closer. Have I done what's necessary...? 21, its a good number to stop and check, where I started, where I am now, where am I going...."

~ Perfect for my blog ~

All these philosophical thoughts that plunges me spiritually...makes me who I am...I've definitely come a long way since the day I can only cry...approximately twenty one years....

A similarity between cats and humans? A cat is said to have nine lives, men carry on with theirs as if they do.... ~ Nine Lives, Teoh Choon Ean

My Philaharmonic Stage

2010-01-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

"Each and everyone of us is an actor in the stage of life" ~ William Shakespeare

A room draped in fabric, a clarity of attentions, a tense yet exulting atmosphere; a philharmonic orchestral.
Thus is the stage of my life.

What I'm trying to be is,
The Violinist.
Tonight, I'm seated among others, insignificant on my own, yet my tune contributes to the play.
I yearn for a solo, where in the span of a few breathes, the stage belongs to me alone.
But I'm only among the conducted, precipitating illusory melodies, weaved by my very own hands.
Eyes are of no importance, for they only desire the beautiful lies reverberating across the hall.
If this is what they request, then giveth I shall.
Tonight, like many passed, I again shall remain on the stage sharing.
My part comes "tomorrow"

What I dream of being is,
The Conductor.
Tonight belongs to me.
Unlike others, I stand facing the artisans of vocal magnificence.
Unlike others, I back the sea of commoners, who's indulgence in the clairvoyance is sedative.
Excitement pulsates through the blood in my veins, knowing that I have "sovereignty" at the tips of my finger.
Tonight, I take the lead.
Tonight, I'm free, to conduct a play where i can call "my own".
Alas, an exuberance I longed for is within my grasp.

But who I really am is;
The Audience.
Tonight, I worry not about who I am.
I am here, to catch the enchantment, to bask in the ambiance.
The stage is like a spring, rejuvenating my thirst for solace.
Like all springs, needless it is to wonder the source, as long as it quenches.
As if heaven itself descended, the mere emanation of a breathtaking resonance enlivens me.
But illusions are, in the end, illusions.
As the play ends, so does my beautiful dream.
The finale brings together with it, an elucidated reality I thought I had long escaped.

Tonight: 2010 Elysian & Tartarus Crossover, The 1st Score.

Packing up...

2009-12-29T05:12:00.000-08:00

Men had started recording time before they could even speak properly. From etchings on cave walls we had moved to Tag'heurs on our wrist. Progress. Development. Discovery. A dawn of new eras had took place over and over again. Here I am today, approximately less than 72 hours before the arrival of the first millennial decade, yet blank in the mind. Of sad cases, this is one of them.

As I did not escape the tendencies practiced by normal men, I inch towards the end of 2009 holding a handful of sweet and bitter reveries, sorting them out randomly. As I turn my back to the precipice of an annual turnover, I, too, is deeply impressed by the miracles time can bring upon a person. Honestly, this had been one congested year, figuratively and literally, mentally and physically. But its within my desires today NOT to revere bout my tragic nor epic, I'm much inclined to post a more constructive entry for the sake of future reference.

In an analogous sensation, I'm anticipating New Year just as much as I did for Christmas Eve. For me, New Year brings along with it the joy of celebrating my dad's birthday as well. And since a few years ago, I've been given the delight to cook up a storm on such an occasion, specially for my family. So here's a note for myself: no matter where I am, what I've become, what I did, I'll still have a very supportive and reliable dad to count on. Knowing he's there gives me strength and reason to live, and I will not make it here today without him. I will remember that I promised not to make him worry, and hopefully proud of me one day. I WILL bring this resolution to 2010. I swear.

Everyone's talking about new year resolutions. Personally, I believe it is over-rated. You people can check my priorities anytime at the side of my blog. Instead, I believe it to be much more important to check up on determinations regarding unfinished businesses. Throughout the year, on occasions where nothing is out of the ordinary, I've made resolutions on a whim. To me, its better to realize how much of it I've accomplished, not lengthening the list.

For a downtrodden, good for nothing spoiler like me, New Year is nothing but another check point in life. One step nearer to the end. It marks the line where I separate failure from success. Therefore, what I have in the respective boxes for 2009 is the most important things I need to bring over to 2010...

Preludes of another step taken...

2009-12-17T10:19:00.000-08:00

Warmth and comfort drives the mind to work in mysterious ways. Lying flat on my back surrounded by the security a bed can offer to the heart, it plunges our thoughts deep within ourselves. Wounds will heal but scars does not fade, susceptible it is to bleed again as well. It did. Here I am tonight, a living prove of what choices made in the past had designed. It matters not if its done for me, by me, or along with me. What matters would be the crude facade many had prefered to elude; it has already been made. And that, my friends, is what we call "the past".

So what about the future? Ironic is what I call it, as we dedicate our present to prepare for a better future. Being nothing more than the conventional, I myself heaves through the same drill. But a sudden trigger drives me to think how much I am to myself this very instance, since pain is something you deal with "now". Stand amidst hundreds of people in the streets, close your eyes, and imagine what is your worth to others that just walk passed you. Here I am so obvious to the naked eye in broad daylight, yet few would bother to even throw a glance at you. Excuse me, would you care to take a look at me? I wish to know what difference it'll make in the future... *Blink. It is amazing to realize that as you stand in your own presence, no one else sees you.

Questions now filling the mind to the brim, I seek the shelter of silence and solace. Just exactly how far life can take a soul? And how much nearer we are as each day pass? I don't know. What difference each seconds offers to my life? Again, I don't know. Close your eyes as you stand at the topmost edge of the city's tower. The whole world is beneath your feet, the heavens and earth now embraced by your wide open arms, and last but not least, the most exciting feeling; your life is now entirely within your control. Pain is surfaced from a reverie filled with trepidation. Long had I thought I can live through it, long had I been wrong. How easily my resolve can be shattered, much easier for wounds to reopen and bleed again. Ahh....so much to ponder, so much more decisions to make, so much more of myself to bear... Someday in the future, again I will return to these thoughts, possibly with even greater entanglements. Perhaps its time to break the cycle?

Perhaps I should take one step towards the marvelous scene in front of me. It is painted by the heavens, given live by the very same people who ignored me moments ago, the very same people who made my life happy, the very same people who void me of a warm heart, the very same people who had seen how my life had come and will go, and the very same people like myself. This one step will divert me from sharing their existence, perhaps I will see what I need to see, and perhaps finally a choice I won't regret will dawn...

But the next thing I know....

I'm already falling...

*Will it be continued...?

A sudden chain of unrealistic thoughts...

2009-12-14T04:08:00.000-08:00

Blinking in front of me is an assortment of colours, running across my skin is the feel of breezes. Cracking across the room is my typing on the keyboard, wafting in the air is the smell of rain, and last but not least, pulsating on my tongue is the taste of sweetness.

Blessed are we with five earthly senses. And as all humans do and think alike, we take a lot of things for granted (in which case you know what I'm talking about?). The world around us is created through the blessings of these senses, so is ourselves. But has anyone ever stop and think; what will happen if we can link these five senses together? Will we be able to understand this world better? Or better still, see who we really are?

If only we can "feel" sight, we will no longer be as blind as we are. We'll be able to "feel" the warmth of kindness, the pain of lies, the burn of hypocrisy, and the touch of sincerity. No longer will people walk the streets masked in lies that our society now demands so much, averting our sight from the truth only because it hurts us, willing others to suffer cause we dread it ourselves. Cause then even with our eyes closed, lying will pierce and burn our heart, kindness will be embraced by everyone without the taunt of foolishness, and sincerity will reach across without taints of doubt. Only then, can reality be truly faced.

If only we can "taste" smells, then perhaps the people will be more responsible. As the "taste" of cigarettes burn red hot, and smokes so bitter they render you dumb. Odours that numbs our palate so much, we'll taste in fear of losing it forever. Only then, will the people understand the meaning of "fear', "disgrace", "nauseous", or even "shame" as the fact that something so foul touches their most reserved sense.

If only we can "see" feelings, then we'll be able to be more emphatising. The "colour" of sadness, happiness, rejection, love, insecurity, or even loneliness. We'll be able to realise it whenever we hurted someone, forsaken someone, or even brought joy to someone. We'll be able to know that our presence means comfort to someone else, or vice versa. No longer will we have to doubt others around us; "Am I welcomed?", "Does she love me?", "Is he sad?", "Is my company being rejected?". If so is the case, people will be able to care more about people around them, nor can we tell naked lies to hide our feelings.

If only voices have "shapes", we'll be able to "pile" them in accordance. Sweet melodies shall be stacked neatly, warm comforts stored nicely, painful truths arranged in sequence, and blatant lies discarded indiscriminately. No longer shall the people be influenced by others indecisively, neither can liars talk freely, nor rumours run amok. When so is the case, people will be held responsible for each and every word they say, and perhaps, less pain will spread around?

Having all these said, I wonder (perhaps you should as well), "what" surrounds me?

Tinges of the season.

2009-12-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

Dusk itself now embarking onto a relief,
the world settles to a cozy rest.
Comfort encloses the heart as light illuminate the streets,
so intoxicating occasionally it embraces the souls fervently.
Darkness is the quilt we'll lie under soon,
yes; night is here.

Wafting through the air,
the season smells so sweet and harmonious,
prompting a reverie of soothing Earl in Grey.
How misty nostalgia can be,
especially upon the persuasion of a perennial tire.
But no, it's not lost.
Analogous to the son et lumiere,
the melody sounds so mellifluous,
I'm at peace.

Gasp* The story has grown since,
endeavors written like a fairy tale.
So ensnaring it is to reminisce in a garden of bliss,
ironic to the blood and tears that were shed.
As colorful glitters girdle sadness pass,
a heartfelt smile shines across stained faces.
Life brimming their emptiness again,
salient is the virtue of treasuring present.
As for the future, it rests for now.

Oh how sinful of me to forget,
about how breathtaking the world will be,
through the enchantment of a mere simper.
Eyes on the stars,
feet on the ground.
Forever is the journey to claim,
never-ending is our efforts to pursuit.
Know us not now is the time?
To rest and appreciate,
upon a season showered by love?

The chilling solstice rings contradictorily,
to the warm spirits eagerly shrouding the snow.
All ye gentle-souls walking this earth,

A merry festive season to thee...

Promises

2009-11-27T08:46:00.000-08:00

In my life, I had made many promises. Many which I didn't bother keeping when I was younger. I had forgotten since when I realize how depressive it gets when you're disappointed, but it was since then I try my very best to keep all the promises I make. I don't simply offer promises nowadays, unless I have a certain amount of confidence that I'm capable of keeping it. Today, I can say with pride that I take promises as something very precious, especially when its made to people that are important to me.

I would like to dedicate a small part of this entry to my very dear friend in Australia (If you're reading bro, yes, its you ^^) I'm very touched that he remembered to buy me the chocolates that I asked him to get for me at the beginning of the year. He even got the flavors right. At first I didn't give much thought to the request. But now I feel kinda "happy" (A feeling very much welcomed these days). I can't acutely describe how I'm feeling right now, but its pleasant. To know that someone somewhere had taken his word for you seriously to heart, enables me to embrace the thought that I'm not such a meager existence. At least, there is one more person that remembers me, and its not on a whim. Thanks bro.

Yes, I do remember some of the promises I made along the year, to a certain someone that is important to me, up till now. She may have forgotten all bout it, think that I don't intend to keep it, or simply doesn't care bout it anymore. But here I pledge my words to God himself; I do remember, I do care, and I intend to keep it, whether you care or not. And THIS, is a promise to myself and God.

A small pinch of bitterness...

2009-11-26T22:48:00.000-08:00

My aching right shoulder didn't serve as a reason to stop me from blogging. Been a helluva time since my last entry. Partially due to the reason my keyboard is spoiled (The spacebar ain't working well, even now), but mainly because my mind is so congested with thoughts and worries that I could neither put into sequence nor synchronize whats going on to fit into a blog. Honestly, being a linguistic student, my expressive ability via words is really pathetic. *Sigh...

Most of the nights I would attempt to rearrange my world that is slowly falling apart by sitting in front of the screen and try to blog. This helps me organize the pile of troubles I've been compiling for myself and allows me to address them one at a time, in a single-file line of progress. But as we all can see, I failed bitterly. All that was achieved would be me growing tired and finally hit the sack with an agonizing lethargy yet unable to sleep. Why? I believe one would not be able to enter a state of conducive peace when storms of inter-arguments rage within the head. Emotional pains, tiring thoughts, fearful assumptions, bitter realities, and even unfounded worries will be blended into a single gulp. Results? A numb feeling that sweeps over the entire body as if in a heavily sedated state. Finally reaching the peak of physical and mental limits, the mercy of sleep will finally arrive. The best thing about it? I've been suffering from nightmares for a series of weeks now. The solace? It starts all over again the next night.

Truth is, these issues conjures a feeling of restlessness. I no longer wake up in the morning feeling relaxed nor refreshed. Nowadays its an unpleasant jolt that sends adrenaline rushing throughout your body, rendering a sensation as if you had just finished running half a mile for your life. What a pleasant way to start my day. Many would ask why didn't I seek out the cause and deal with it? Well I know the cause all right. But I can't deal with it, least I CAN'T think of a way to. A kind friend which I shared a small piece of it with last night had advised me to "move on". Trust me, I would if I could. All these negative issues entangling me can be solved only through the passing of time. I knew that a long time ago. That was the rule and penalty for joining in the "game". Time can be so short when you need it, yet it ticks forever slowly as you walk with it. How ironic.

Looking around, I know I should not parade about these things and its my own problem to deal with. Thus nowadays I return to masquerading. Its becoming more and more difficult, since it adds up to the burden. And personally, I don't really enjoy doing that. But alas, its not within my rights to decide...

Short gist of recent rants and complaints...

2009-11-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

*sigh...been a while since my last entry. Honestly, so much is going through my head right now that I'm having troubles lining events into sequence. Its said that one downfall will lead to another if its not solved at the beginning. Well I can see now how true that is now. After all, it all revolves around the same person; me. I just don't know how much longer I can hold myself. Truth be said, my new life had been a spiral downturn. Currently I can't even list out my priority...doubts doubts doubts....

Family
Ever tried living up to any expectations in your life set by anyone other than yourself? Sure you did. I did. I know what they expect of me, yet I know they feel irregularities about that as well. Stranded between desire of pushing me to my best and fear of giving me too much pressure, they've decided to leave me alone. At long last, finally. But its not like I'm giving up. I'd rather fulfill their expectations at my own pace, that's all. But there is still insecurities looming within me. Why? Cause I know that they don't trust me fully. In their eyes I'm not capable of making my own decisions wisely. Everything I've achieved (if any exists) is from sheer luck. But its something not within my control. It can hurt a lot when you understand your parents as much as they understand you, where at times you even wonder if they knew who you really are...But then again, I AM aware of such a possibility; Its me that was wrong about everything from the start and I'm in nothing but a deep pile of mess. In short, I've no control of me and my life. Perhaps.......

Academics
Regarding this matter, the solution is quite simple and blunt. Just work harder. I myself know that if I give it everything, I WILL achieve what I want. So where's the dilemma? The price. Time is so limited. There's so much I want to do. From running around town to sitting in my room and think. What are achievements to me? A solid excuse for me passing my time. So what are my achievements? Nothing. Every time I look at my academic failures I'll feel depressed. But again who's to blame but myself? Ironically, I do believe I've condemned myself to eternal depression.

Relations
Nothing to speak of, being a loser aged at 20. Friends? They come and go. What defines a relationship? A friend is someone that understands you? Then I'll have none. A friend is someone that shares the same interest? Too vague to hold on to tightly. A friend is someone that just happens to be beside you, and is not obliged to share your problems? Yup, I have lots of those. But to be fair, its just me and my vain pride halting me from sharing. Though, whats the point. Its just venting off steam. Its not like they'll truly try to understand what you feel. They have their own problems, its not their fault. The conclusion? I'm the insignificant jerk that's destroying myself, perhaps for the better. Love eh? Someone please tell me what that is...I've just touched something I shouldn't have...

Someone just come and kill me already...

Seeking solace

2009-10-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

Captivated in a trance by the ticking of the alarm clock on my sparkling clean desk, my heavy book lies dormant in its pages within my hands. Thoughts reeling through the mind adds up to the depressive mood. A lethargic body does not help neither. Exhausted of the strength to even feel any extreme emotions, I lie on my bed allowing others to take over my life. Anyone, anything, please, just knock me out and rob me of sovereignty over myself.

How life can be so depressive? To be honest, it wasn't like this before. But as unexpected turns kept appearing one after another, everything started to go out of control. Aware of the many things that are not within my restraint, I always maintain composed and collected, opting to persevere through hardships with the best solution presented by my intellect. But as I grow older, the responsibilities got heavier, emotions became denser, the heart more fragile, succumbing to the weight of the world. I'm already falling behind, too tired to catch up.

Today, felt like the end of genesis and beginning of revelation. A resolve previously shattered by the single mention of a name, now proves itself to be a fatal wound. As it bleeds profusely throughout the day, the hands of Agony now clamped tightly around me. Desperate to stand again, I allowed myself to drift off reality for two hours, while giving in to the prospect of a better ending of the day. But alas, fate intervenes. What met me was the deafening voice of the women who gave life to me, piercing both ears and heart. Heaving myself away from the chaos, hoping to seek solace among others, I only found an hour of solitary anticipation. Returning to the grounds of shelter, met again by a more deafening noise: silence. The book no longer offers peace to the soul now writhing in pain, desperate for everything to end.

Now only one question remains dominant in the head; When a higher power is obviously putting you through torment, what will you do? My faith in hope is waning, I'm not sure how much more of days like this I can take...it is an issue of great despair, when you fear "tomorrow".

Whose tale to tell...

2009-10-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

Lingering within is a small wisp of sweetness,
so rare and precious that he is shrouded and oblivious,
to other vivid colours surrounding him.
Entangling himself in luminescent dreams,
forbidding the touch of salient virtues,
no longer aware of the creeping thorns,
encasing the criterion of all flesh and blood,
a weak part of the soul easily corrupted; the heart.

Now the coin is flipped,
judgment being passed in accord to the two faces.
Which to face, he knows not.
Fearing both, he sit weeping in the mist of a dark past,
too lost to find his way out.
Stretched hands now soaked in tears,
only to be held by hands that burns to touch,
so brilliantly shining, that he retreats again.

Now a languid soul walking down the aisle of penitence,
bearing the remnants of a tarnished self,
heaving himself towards his yearned end.
Nothing left to cherish, all was lost but regained,
only to perceive what it is to feel what is never meant to be.
His deeds crumbling behind his steps,
now solitary along the boulevard of broken dreams.

His life, efforts, and dreams,
now nothing but a cloak on a clown,
too indulged in deceit, sworn never again to lift his face
without the enclosure of beautiful masks.
Joined in a parade of the living lost,
condemned to be forever hidden behind lies to weave his way
towards a salvaged rest, of a neatly hemmed fabrication of truth,
known as "hypocrisy".

Randomness, Philosophies, Me.

2009-10-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

Before you continue reading, I would kindly like you all to watch the video and read the comments...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDY2rOmkzFE

Now honestly, I think the comments for the video represents my own justification for the video. But I'm more inclined to think of something that is slightly related to the video, aside from spiritual teachings/opinions.

The first thought that crossed my mind after watching the video is not about how I should share my religious believes, but instead I'm more attracted to the last few phrases that concludes the video:

Don’t bother me,
With souls to save,
I have my on agenda,
There’s school to do,
Sports to play,
Important stuff to attend to.

Don’t bother me,
With my friend at work,
He’s got his own religion,
I don’t have time,
To change his mind,
He’ll make his own decision.

Don’t bother me,
With that little girl,
The girl playing in the street,
She’s much too young,
To understand
That the Savior she could meet.

Don’t bother me,
With the sounds I hear,
The sounds of people shrieking,
Although I wonder who they are,
Who are these victims
Screaming?

Don’t bother me,
With who they are,
I really don’t want the blame,
Cause it’s my friend at work,
And that little girl,
Who from Hell,
Scream out my name.
(But) Don’t bother me.

Though a bit off, I still see the connection of these phrases between something I've shared in the last entry about caring. Its of the same essence; people no longer care. Take this chance to ask yourself "When was the last time you say "I don't care" or just shrug something off without trying to solve it?" I asked myself, and following up would be a small part of the intra-personal communication that took place after watching the video.

I cherish those people around me, as much as they deserve in my opinion. I would do what I can to help guide them into the right path when they are lost or blinded by emotions, as much as I believe they would do for me. Be it under the name of Christ or not, I feel that this is not important. Before I ask for God's help, I'm always reminded that I should at least finish my part. People had and will hate me for the things I've done. "Its none of your business!!!", "This is what I choose to do!!!", "Why do you care? Does it concerns you?", "You're just being selfish!!!" is mostly what I get for trying to do what I call "help". But this is what I want to do, I see that they are going down the wrong path, most probably clearer than they themselves do. Therefore I wish to stop them. True, that may be selfishness on my part, but still I wish to share what I think is best for them. It may not concern me, but I WANT to care for them cause they mean something to me. It IS none of my business, but I STILL don't want to just sit back and watch people important to me making wrong choices. True, right or wrong is not for me alone to decide. But I do believe that I'm a person that can see truths, thus I wish to share it with them. True, its a lot of hassle. But living true is never meant to be easy. Living itself is not meant to be easy. Recognize your own responsibilities, be it to yourself or others. Do not be afraid of trials, fear not the world now that has already fallen into a state of selfish despair. You change the world into a better place by starting with the one in the mirror, those around it, and finally those around them. Is so easy to say "I don't care" or "Don't bother me", but have you ever thought that by simply showing your back doesn't mean that the problem is solved. Others involved in it will still struggle, probably because of what you did. While you shed your care so that you don't have to cry, those that care for you are crying for being shed.

A little bit of this and that of the past few days???

2009-10-04T05:26:00.000-07:00

I suppose this entry will be expected, by quite a few, to elaborate bout my experience at the CF Camp. Well, having just finished a decent dinner with my family, I'm kinda in the mood for it. So why not?

In the first place, a camp is something that I really miss. A bunch of friends gathering together for a few days for the same purpose, going crazy, trying to shut off reality. Eyup, that is most welcomed once in a while. And this 4-day camp was exactly what I needed after pulling through a harsh period that put mental and physical endurance to the test. And it served its purpose, I'm definitely more lighthearted now compared to before.

Its so nostalgic (duh, how old am I???) , going to a camp. The last one I went was like 3 years ago. This CF Camp had been a great treat. I get to devote a few days specially to getting in touch with a higher power (though, not as much as the others had), spending more time with my friends, listen and talk bout certain interesting topics (hopefully I didn't offend anyone, if I did it wasn't intentional, sorry guys), and even get to chill my mind down a little. I can't remember the last time I go crazy without a care in the world. Though, somehow the camera always seems to catch me off-guard T.T (Shirley....) and by the last day, since its too late, I've decided to just let it flow (Shu, DON'T post those pics, you know which ones I mean...). I just can't seem to effectively portray the camp in words, its a mess in a good way. And, something tells me its best kept that way if I'm to keep it as a sweet memory. ^^

Now, for some confession. During the sessions, I wasn't paying exactly full attention ALL the time; my mind still drift off to thoughts that brought up heartaches that has something to do with losses (No, not material properties). Guess its not as easy for me to give up as others did. I can't fully forget about reality during those hours. Even before I sleep everynight, these thoughts still haunt me and worst off, occasionally in my dreams as well. Facts ain't something that is detached so easily, be it permanent or temporary. I tried looking for answers for the many questions regarding many different topics in my heart during the camp. Unfortunately, only a few were answered, and that is not enough. Again, I'm forced to accept that I'm really too powerless, perhaps so much that I can't even fend me from myself.

But it wasn't all that bad. after all, I DID found some answers. Sometimes, preaching is what it takes to make us move on. Theres a huge difference between knowing it and being told about it. The latter is what sets the motion going. What I heard during the camp is something from the bottom of my heart, just that one way or another I had eluded acceptance. I understand that my constant intra-conflict will be my downfall, but at the same time it keeps me sane, contradictive, yea (As to how and why is that, I will not touch here) Pastor Mike was great, I like the way he interprets and I see logical reasoning in it. Truth be said, of the many pastor I've met, some were quite disappointing. ShuE and Renjie, thanks for asking me to ask for prayers and answers from Pastor Mike, but what he gave me was nothing out of the ordinary (I mean his answer to my waiting, not his prayers, the latter which I honestly appreciate), guess all I can do is wait. You can feel another's sincerity when they really mean it. And glad to say, Pastor Mike's had reached me, bless him.

Sad to say, I did receive some bad news when I came back from the camp yesterday. Mum's not feeling well, and a dear friend of mine just met with an emotional trial that seems to set her off the wrong direction. For those who is reading now, please pray that those who are lost can be found again. I honestly don't want my friends going down the wrong path and not doing a single thing about it. But then again, its during these times that I realise that I am really a helpless piece of junk that can do nothing but offer words, which aren't of any use. Its not anything new, but facing it is hard.

"So pray", I guess thats what most people would say. And I guess some would even say "just leave it". The latter is something I will NOT do. Theres already too few caring going around, thus I don't want to withdraw mine. If anyone is going to take something from this entry, make it this one: Don't say "I don't care." Realise what that really means and the change that it can bring. At least do your own part before you complain.

"The Little Things"

2009-09-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

With Danny Elfman's "The Little Things" blaring inside my room, eyup, what a great atmosphere that speaks for itself. Finals, over. Results, crashin for sure. Wallet AND cellphone gone at the same time. Don't you just love the people in this world? No hesitation to pick up something that clearly aint theirs. Yes, a certain blardy bastard juz made me lost nearin RM900 worth of asset in 10minutes. If theres any salvation for this guy, that is keepin his identity a secret from me, else nothing in this world be it mortal or not won't cancel his ticket to being my stress relieve. Hell yes, definitely not in the mood for any soft negotiations.

Well, with that hell-bent desire kept safely in a corner of the heart, I'd havta say I'm nt completely a berserker right now. Yes, the moment I can't find it in the hall, I know very well its very much a goner by then. Thought might give the world a chance to redeem itself in my eyes. But nope, that dint happen. Its as forsaken a place as I last remember it. Its not in my nature to brood over lost properties. Pointless, if you ask me. But that does not mean I enjoy it neither, the heavy feelings won't disappear so fast. Juz one of those times when you wish killin weren't illegal...

But then again, I know very well that if tat bastard return my properties to me, I'll very much forgive him. Typical, thinking of forgiving someone who has no intention of asking for it...But my lost aside, I'm pretty worried about my results as well. If a blessing is to come after misfortune, let it dawn upon my results. Though, reality does not change that easily. Twenty years of living had taught me a lesson that i'm someone that will never have de luxury of good luck, in EVRYTHING. For me,its either sink or swim till your lungs burst in this helluva place called earth...

In Memory Of CWKit

2009-09-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

Hm...12am, 14th September 2009...That marks the third year I guess. Time passes so fast, tears no longer fall and the pain has long since numbed. But the sentiments did not fade, though there were times when I forgot bout it, just a small flick is enough to remind me its there...I'll be visiting you at 9am, wonder if the atmosphere there will invoke anything special...

Death has a very special way of bringing out the best of someone. Guess that is why they say we never cherish anyone till they're gone. You may have no idea how much you mean to us back then, neither do we. But the moment you're taken away from us, reality made itself very apparent. And for the first yet sadly the last time, your life's worth spoke for itself. The tears that run on everyone's cheek that day was not for show. The meaning of your death has taught each of us a very important lesson. Though it may probably differ among us, I do believe that so far its the most cherished and valuable we have gained.

I do wonder at times what will become of us if you are still around. Your leaving is somehow a significant impact on our lives. I know not about others, but I do know that what I am today had a great deal to do with you. Since young, I may not be your closest buddy but I do desperately chase after you from the back all the time. You excel in sports naturally and a daredevil as well. All I'm capable of is walk in your shadow...*sigh...Not only aims in life, but the way my mind think is greatly influenced by you. How materialistic you are, extreme measures just to achieve your cause yet hurting no one, ignorance of others and holding firmly to what you believe is right (the very same reasons why we fought so much...^^) Till the moment you're gone, you still taught me how subtle reality is. Due to that, I view the world in a way not comprehensible by many who did not go through the lost of someone so important in front of their eyes.

Come to think of it, I never really took much pictures with you. I still remember we had plans to go all out crazy if we're to work at Genting again. I didn't join you for the first time, thus I missed the last time as well.

This pose of yours do remind me of what idiots we are back then; not a care in the world. I can very much see ourselves growing up like alot of those "kids" surrounding me now. Will your sense of "justice" overwhelm you and make enemies for us again??? I dunno...I never really got into as much trouble as you...

18 is indeed too young an age to go, but we who remained here on earth will not let it go to waste. Its stupid how we wish for death sincerely over trivial matters like stress and love issues. You, who had it forcibly taken away from you must be so willing to trade places I guess. But I think your friends will promise you this; we WILL live to our utmost, as not to insult the life you lost. As much words as I can put in here, they will never be able to express your worth in our lives and how much you mean to us.

Missing you sincerely bro. May you rest peacefully in heaven...

Countdown to Annihilation~Pure Ranting

2009-09-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

Sigh....What exactly am I doing here in the middle of the night? Yes, in roughly about 30 hours time I'll b sitting for my first paper of the finals - History of English Language (Cheers and Applause), therefore I should REALLY be studying rite NOW!!! Honestly I'm just taking a break from a 2-hour session of Brain-Abuse (I'll file a legal suit with the Brains Welfare Association) And what I really feel like doing right now is take a cool shower and head to bed. AH~~~~what blissful wishes~~~~well....they're not happening... T.T

As much chaotic as my mood had been throughout the week, I believe I really hid it well. I don't think anyone noticed that I'm ready to scream out in frustration and agony, AND I really feel like giving everything up and just let the world consume me then. But by some miracles, I manage to sober up a little, just a little, enough to allow me to continue living, I guess. What really happened, I couldn't exactly put it in words. Thoughts just consume one another inside the mind; Logic and Sentiments are waging a fierce war. Though, I'm glad its at least stopped for now, allowing me to do some decent reading and blogging.

Just why is it I'm letting my sentiments control me like that? I still remember days when I swore to myself that I, of all people, will not let this happen to me. Logic and Reasoning will always be my guide. Enlightenment perhaps? Not really sure...But i do notice that I've managed to emphatise more (perhaps, even easier/better, can't tell) with people posed with the same or similar issues. Come to think of it, I recall my friends telling me "its not easy for us to tell you why, you need to experience this to understand" and also "these must be felt, you cant justify it using logic reasons." Wow...Now I can see that its true. Perhaps for you guys reading this right now you can't really feel what I'm going through, possibly even just laughing your head off for multiple reasons I myself can sum up. But its really something incomprehensible; how feelings can rip you off sanity...

For the sake of those that actually read till this part of my blog, I'm sorry I have to say that I CAN'T tell you why I'm in such a chaotic mood. In respect to another individual involved (though you might be able to guess what's happening by now) I can't post too much here. But if you are still reading, please remember that I'm glad you are here. Blessed be all of you who stood by me^^ I am happy I found alot of friends that are true to me. Thanks. Now I should head back to the book^^

P.S. If there comes a day where I changed for selfish reasons that are inevitable, I will not bear a grudge if you all turn your backs on me, all of you had did enough for me, be it intentionally or not...

How issues revolve into a different theme...

2009-08-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

Last night's CF was a very special one. No, its not the events, I get to talk about some important issues with some of my very precious friends. Their view did not came as something new. But knowing that there are still people like that around you can be a very special feeling, this is something I'm sorry to say I'd forgotten for a long time due to distracting issues. My religion and believes aren't really that important. In the end, it is whether people really see you as you are. I do not know how I appear in your eyes guys, but I have faith in you all. Thanks...^^

But like one of them said, "The trials are always there, we did not fall for temptation, we are just weak as humans and failed in a hard trial, that's all". Now that is some sort of comforting view if I apply that to some of my problems in life. I wasted no time in trying. Well yes. Immediately the effect is obvious. But in the light of a new view of things a new control of the mindset is in line. As well as a whole new load of patience to adjust. The last part didn't work out too well. Ending up having a quarrel with my loved one. Even now as I write I'm actually fighting on the other end. But I do see alot of people around me is facing different types of problems. Each as damaging to them as mine to me. I do wish I can help them, even though I'm not in a fit state to do that. Trying to emphatize with others is what I'm trying to do, and failing miserably...God knows what'll become of me...perhaps I've lost sight of the important things, too deluged in my own thoughts to realize that...

The world revolves when we keep thinking and explore new ideas, life is never meant to be easy, full of trials, one might say, and we as humans are weak. But I do believe that each of us holds the power to perservere, and hope will keep us going. I do hope I can, I really do...

Hosanna...

Smearing the first smudge; first entry...

2009-08-20T06:12:00.001-07:00

Sigh*...Once again I have chosen to seek solace in blog writing. After coming to this earth for 20 years, I honestly didn't accomplish much. But keeping a blog may be a good way to check my line of life as it progress, of course, with the assumption of consistent entries will be added. ^^

Today wasn't any special to me. Had a presentation this morning that did not went too well, failed my History of English Language (HOEL) quiz yesterday, enjoying a sinus-free day now after 5 days of agony, and to top the cake with icing; entered non-speaking terms with the one I love. *Sigh...Being a guy I'm pretty much pathetic, since I couldn't do anything more than rant on my new blog...AND I'm suppose to be doing my assignments and revise for my imminent finals! Honestly, WHAT has gotten into me?

Just to think back on the changes that has befall me since uni-life. Quite alot, actually. My first love is here (though I never get on with a relationship even though I wan to), I started to pay a steeper attention to my grades, and of course, meeting with a lot of people has brought a decent change as to how I 'mask" myself in the public nowadays. Putting my present self next to the past, eyup, I couldn't recognise myself any more...

As to how my life had become, well, it is pretty much your average uni-student style. The first and biggest problem that came was, of course, how I communicate with my parents. A drastic change is always accompanied by dramatic conflicts. But praise god That was settled early back at the beginning of the year. Now I'm fairly comfortable with my family. Next was my grades. This pretty much depended on how much efforts I am willing to dish out, simple sow and reap. No regrets, though it could've been better. It ain't as simple as studying everyday. Having reach the beginning of my twenties, I had recognised the fundamentals of commitments I need to shoulder; sports, social life, extra-curricular activities, and even house chores. Sounds pretty insignificant but I do think these shape who I am today, since these are the things I chose to fill my life with.

But I really don't know how to handle a love relationship effectively. Perhaps I started wrong, or even are holding on to the wrong sentiments. I know very well what I am capable of doing, and the consequences of all choices presented upon me. Though I used to be very composed, in front of her I just loose my sanity. Now I know what it feels like to have a long term heartache. But after all those complaints, I know my feeling towards her is genuine.

Though pretty much an atheist now, I do try to believe in God. So I shall leave it to him to guide to do what is right. I believe there are plans out there for each of us, I truly want to see how mine will be.

Guess this will be the end of my first entry. I must say my style of writing haven't change much ever since I first blogged. Let's just see what brings before the next entry.

Hosanna ^^