Seeking solace

Captivated in a trance by the ticking of the alarm clock on my sparkling clean desk, my heavy book lies dormant in its pages within my hands. Thoughts reeling through the mind adds up to the depressive mood. A lethargic body does not help neither. Exhausted of the strength to even feel any extreme emotions, I lie on my bed allowing others to take over my life. Anyone, anything, please, just knock me out and rob me of sovereignty over myself.

How life can be so depressive? To be honest, it wasn't like this before. But as unexpected turns kept appearing one after another, everything started to go out of control. Aware of the many things that are not within my restraint, I always maintain composed and collected, opting to persevere through hardships with the best solution presented by my intellect. But as I grow older, the responsibilities got heavier, emotions became denser, the heart more fragile, succumbing to the weight of the world. I'm already falling behind, too tired to catch up.

Today, felt like the end of genesis and beginning of revelation. A resolve previously shattered by the single mention of a name, now proves itself to be a fatal wound. As it bleeds profusely throughout the day, the hands of Agony now clamped tightly around me. Desperate to stand again, I allowed myself to drift off reality for two hours, while giving in to the prospect of a better ending of the day. But alas, fate intervenes. What met me was the deafening voice of the women who gave life to me, piercing both ears and heart. Heaving myself away from the chaos, hoping to seek solace among others, I only found an hour of solitary anticipation. Returning to the grounds of shelter, met again by a more deafening noise: silence. The book no longer offers peace to the soul now writhing in pain, desperate for everything to end.

Now only one question remains dominant in the head; When a higher power is obviously putting you through torment, what will you do? My faith in hope is waning, I'm not sure how much more of days like this I can take...it is an issue of great despair, when you fear "tomorrow".

Whose tale to tell...

Lingering within is a small wisp of sweetness,
so rare and precious that he is shrouded and oblivious,
to other vivid colours surrounding him.
Entangling himself in luminescent dreams,
forbidding the touch of salient virtues,
no longer aware of the creeping thorns,
encasing the criterion of all flesh and blood,
a weak part of the soul easily corrupted; the heart.

Now the coin is flipped,
judgment being passed in accord to the two faces.
Which to face, he knows not.
Fearing both, he sit weeping in the mist of a dark past,
too lost to find his way out.
Stretched hands now soaked in tears,
only to be held by hands that burns to touch,
so brilliantly shining, that he retreats again.

Now a languid soul walking down the aisle of penitence,
bearing the remnants of a tarnished self,
heaving himself towards his yearned end.
Nothing left to cherish, all was lost but regained,
only to perceive what it is to feel what is never meant to be.
His deeds crumbling behind his steps,
now solitary along the boulevard of broken dreams.

His life, efforts, and dreams,
now nothing but a cloak on a clown,
too indulged in deceit, sworn never again to lift his face
without the enclosure of beautiful masks.
Joined in a parade of the living lost,
condemned to be forever hidden behind lies to weave his way
towards a salvaged rest, of a neatly hemmed fabrication of truth,
known as "hypocrisy".

Randomness, Philosophies, Me.

Before you continue reading, I would kindly like you all to watch the video and read the comments...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDY2rOmkzFE

Now honestly, I think the comments for the video represents my own justification for the video. But I'm more inclined to think of something that is slightly related to the video, aside from spiritual teachings/opinions.

The first thought that crossed my mind after watching the video is not about how I should share my religious believes, but instead I'm more attracted to the last few phrases that concludes the video:

Don’t bother me,
With souls to save,
I have my on agenda,
There’s school to do,
Sports to play,
Important stuff to attend to.

Don’t bother me,
With my friend at work,
He’s got his own religion,
I don’t have time,
To change his mind,
He’ll make his own decision.

Don’t bother me,
With that little girl,
The girl playing in the street,
She’s much too young,
To understand
That the Savior she could meet.

Don’t bother me,
With the sounds I hear,
The sounds of people shrieking,
Although I wonder who they are,
Who are these victims
Screaming?

Don’t bother me,
With who they are,
I really don’t want the blame,
Cause it’s my friend at work,
And that little girl,
Who from Hell,
Scream out my name.
(But) Don’t bother me.

Though a bit off, I still see the connection of these phrases between something I've shared in the last entry about caring. Its of the same essence; people no longer care. Take this chance to ask yourself "When was the last time you say "I don't care" or just shrug something off without trying to solve it?" I asked myself, and following up would be a small part of the intra-personal communication that took place after watching the video.

I cherish those people around me, as much as they deserve in my opinion. I would do what I can to help guide them into the right path when they are lost or blinded by emotions, as much as I believe they would do for me. Be it under the name of Christ or not, I feel that this is not important. Before I ask for God's help, I'm always reminded that I should at least finish my part. People had and will hate me for the things I've done. "Its none of your business!!!", "This is what I choose to do!!!", "Why do you care? Does it concerns you?", "You're just being selfish!!!" is mostly what I get for trying to do what I call "help". But this is what I want to do, I see that they are going down the wrong path, most probably clearer than they themselves do. Therefore I wish to stop them. True, that may be selfishness on my part, but still I wish to share what I think is best for them. It may not concern me, but I WANT to care for them cause they mean something to me. It IS none of my business, but I STILL don't want to just sit back and watch people important to me making wrong choices. True, right or wrong is not for me alone to decide. But I do believe that I'm a person that can see truths, thus I wish to share it with them. True, its a lot of hassle. But living true is never meant to be easy. Living itself is not meant to be easy. Recognize your own responsibilities, be it to yourself or others. Do not be afraid of trials, fear not the world now that has already fallen into a state of selfish despair. You change the world into a better place by starting with the one in the mirror, those around it, and finally those around them. Is so easy to say "I don't care" or "Don't bother me", but have you ever thought that by simply showing your back doesn't mean that the problem is solved. Others involved in it will still struggle, probably because of what you did. While you shed your care so that you don't have to cry, those that care for you are crying for being shed.

A little bit of this and that of the past few days???

I suppose this entry will be expected, by quite a few, to elaborate bout my experience at the CF Camp. Well, having just finished a decent dinner with my family, I'm kinda in the mood for it. So why not?

In the first place, a camp is something that I really miss. A bunch of friends gathering together for a few days for the same purpose, going crazy, trying to shut off reality. Eyup, that is most welcomed once in a while. And this 4-day camp was exactly what I needed after pulling through a harsh period that put mental and physical endurance to the test. And it served its purpose, I'm definitely more lighthearted now compared to before.

Its so nostalgic (duh, how old am I???) , going to a camp. The last one I went was like 3 years ago. This CF Camp had been a great treat. I get to devote a few days specially to getting in touch with a higher power (though, not as much as the others had), spending more time with my friends, listen and talk bout certain interesting topics (hopefully I didn't offend anyone, if I did it wasn't intentional, sorry guys), and even get to chill my mind down a little. I can't remember the last time I go crazy without a care in the world. Though, somehow the camera always seems to catch me off-guard T.T (Shirley....) and by the last day, since its too late, I've decided to just let it flow (Shu, DON'T post those pics, you know which ones I mean...). I just can't seem to effectively portray the camp in words, its a mess in a good way. And, something tells me its best kept that way if I'm to keep it as a sweet memory. ^^

Now, for some confession. During the sessions, I wasn't paying exactly full attention ALL the time; my mind still drift off to thoughts that brought up heartaches that has something to do with losses (No, not material properties). Guess its not as easy for me to give up as others did. I can't fully forget about reality during those hours. Even before I sleep everynight, these thoughts still haunt me and worst off, occasionally in my dreams as well. Facts ain't something that is detached so easily, be it permanent or temporary. I tried looking for answers for the many questions regarding many different topics in my heart during the camp. Unfortunately, only a few were answered, and that is not enough. Again, I'm forced to accept that I'm really too powerless, perhaps so much that I can't even fend me from myself.

But it wasn't all that bad. after all, I DID found some answers. Sometimes, preaching is what it takes to make us move on. Theres a huge difference between knowing it and being told about it. The latter is what sets the motion going. What I heard during the camp is something from the bottom of my heart, just that one way or another I had eluded acceptance. I understand that my constant intra-conflict will be my downfall, but at the same time it keeps me sane, contradictive, yea (As to how and why is that, I will not touch here) Pastor Mike was great, I like the way he interprets and I see logical reasoning in it. Truth be said, of the many pastor I've met, some were quite disappointing. ShuE and Renjie, thanks for asking me to ask for prayers and answers from Pastor Mike, but what he gave me was nothing out of the ordinary (I mean his answer to my waiting, not his prayers, the latter which I honestly appreciate), guess all I can do is wait. You can feel another's sincerity when they really mean it. And glad to say, Pastor Mike's had reached me, bless him.

Sad to say, I did receive some bad news when I came back from the camp yesterday. Mum's not feeling well, and a dear friend of mine just met with an emotional trial that seems to set her off the wrong direction. For those who is reading now, please pray that those who are lost can be found again. I honestly don't want my friends going down the wrong path and not doing a single thing about it. But then again, its during these times that I realise that I am really a helpless piece of junk that can do nothing but offer words, which aren't of any use. Its not anything new, but facing it is hard.

"So pray", I guess thats what most people would say. And I guess some would even say "just leave it". The latter is something I will NOT do. Theres already too few caring going around, thus I don't want to withdraw mine. If anyone is going to take something from this entry, make it this one: Don't say "I don't care." Realise what that really means and the change that it can bring. At least do your own part before you complain.