In my life, I had made many promises. Many which I didn't bother keeping when I was younger. I had forgotten since when I realize how depressive it gets when you're disappointed, but it was since then I try my very best to keep all the promises I make. I don't simply offer promises nowadays, unless I have a certain amount of confidence that I'm capable of keeping it. Today, I can say with pride that I take promises as something very precious, especially when its made to people that are important to me.
I would like to dedicate a small part of this entry to my very dear friend in Australia (If you're reading bro, yes, its you ^^) I'm very touched that he remembered to buy me the chocolates that I asked him to get for me at the beginning of the year. He even got the flavors right. At first I didn't give much thought to the request. But now I feel kinda "happy" (A feeling very much welcomed these days). I can't acutely describe how I'm feeling right now, but its pleasant. To know that someone somewhere had taken his word for you seriously to heart, enables me to embrace the thought that I'm not such a meager existence. At least, there is one more person that remembers me, and its not on a whim. Thanks bro.
Yes, I do remember some of the promises I made along the year, to a certain someone that is important to me, up till now. She may have forgotten all bout it, think that I don't intend to keep it, or simply doesn't care bout it anymore. But here I pledge my words to God himself; I do remember, I do care, and I intend to keep it, whether you care or not. And THIS, is a promise to myself and God.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A small pinch of bitterness...
My aching right shoulder didn't serve as a reason to stop me from blogging. Been a helluva time since my last entry. Partially due to the reason my keyboard is spoiled (The spacebar ain't working well, even now), but mainly because my mind is so congested with thoughts and worries that I could neither put into sequence nor synchronize whats going on to fit into a blog. Honestly, being a linguistic student, my expressive ability via words is really pathetic. *Sigh...
Most of the nights I would attempt to rearrange my world that is slowly falling apart by sitting in front of the screen and try to blog. This helps me organize the pile of troubles I've been compiling for myself and allows me to address them one at a time, in a single-file line of progress. But as we all can see, I failed bitterly. All that was achieved would be me growing tired and finally hit the sack with an agonizing lethargy yet unable to sleep. Why? I believe one would not be able to enter a state of conducive peace when storms of inter-arguments rage within the head. Emotional pains, tiring thoughts, fearful assumptions, bitter realities, and even unfounded worries will be blended into a single gulp. Results? A numb feeling that sweeps over the entire body as if in a heavily sedated state. Finally reaching the peak of physical and mental limits, the mercy of sleep will finally arrive. The best thing about it? I've been suffering from nightmares for a series of weeks now. The solace? It starts all over again the next night.
Truth is, these issues conjures a feeling of restlessness. I no longer wake up in the morning feeling relaxed nor refreshed. Nowadays its an unpleasant jolt that sends adrenaline rushing throughout your body, rendering a sensation as if you had just finished running half a mile for your life. What a pleasant way to start my day. Many would ask why didn't I seek out the cause and deal with it? Well I know the cause all right. But I can't deal with it, least I CAN'T think of a way to. A kind friend which I shared a small piece of it with last night had advised me to "move on". Trust me, I would if I could. All these negative issues entangling me can be solved only through the passing of time. I knew that a long time ago. That was the rule and penalty for joining in the "game". Time can be so short when you need it, yet it ticks forever slowly as you walk with it. How ironic.
Looking around, I know I should not parade about these things and its my own problem to deal with. Thus nowadays I return to masquerading. Its becoming more and more difficult, since it adds up to the burden. And personally, I don't really enjoy doing that. But alas, its not within my rights to decide...
Most of the nights I would attempt to rearrange my world that is slowly falling apart by sitting in front of the screen and try to blog. This helps me organize the pile of troubles I've been compiling for myself and allows me to address them one at a time, in a single-file line of progress. But as we all can see, I failed bitterly. All that was achieved would be me growing tired and finally hit the sack with an agonizing lethargy yet unable to sleep. Why? I believe one would not be able to enter a state of conducive peace when storms of inter-arguments rage within the head. Emotional pains, tiring thoughts, fearful assumptions, bitter realities, and even unfounded worries will be blended into a single gulp. Results? A numb feeling that sweeps over the entire body as if in a heavily sedated state. Finally reaching the peak of physical and mental limits, the mercy of sleep will finally arrive. The best thing about it? I've been suffering from nightmares for a series of weeks now. The solace? It starts all over again the next night.
Truth is, these issues conjures a feeling of restlessness. I no longer wake up in the morning feeling relaxed nor refreshed. Nowadays its an unpleasant jolt that sends adrenaline rushing throughout your body, rendering a sensation as if you had just finished running half a mile for your life. What a pleasant way to start my day. Many would ask why didn't I seek out the cause and deal with it? Well I know the cause all right. But I can't deal with it, least I CAN'T think of a way to. A kind friend which I shared a small piece of it with last night had advised me to "move on". Trust me, I would if I could. All these negative issues entangling me can be solved only through the passing of time. I knew that a long time ago. That was the rule and penalty for joining in the "game". Time can be so short when you need it, yet it ticks forever slowly as you walk with it. How ironic.
Looking around, I know I should not parade about these things and its my own problem to deal with. Thus nowadays I return to masquerading. Its becoming more and more difficult, since it adds up to the burden. And personally, I don't really enjoy doing that. But alas, its not within my rights to decide...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Short gist of recent rants and complaints...
*sigh...been a while since my last entry. Honestly, so much is going through my head right now that I'm having troubles lining events into sequence. Its said that one downfall will lead to another if its not solved at the beginning. Well I can see now how true that is now. After all, it all revolves around the same person; me. I just don't know how much longer I can hold myself. Truth be said, my new life had been a spiral downturn. Currently I can't even list out my priority...doubts doubts doubts....
Family
Ever tried living up to any expectations in your life set by anyone other than yourself? Sure you did. I did. I know what they expect of me, yet I know they feel irregularities about that as well. Stranded between desire of pushing me to my best and fear of giving me too much pressure, they've decided to leave me alone. At long last, finally. But its not like I'm giving up. I'd rather fulfill their expectations at my own pace, that's all. But there is still insecurities looming within me. Why? Cause I know that they don't trust me fully. In their eyes I'm not capable of making my own decisions wisely. Everything I've achieved (if any exists) is from sheer luck. But its something not within my control. It can hurt a lot when you understand your parents as much as they understand you, where at times you even wonder if they knew who you really are...But then again, I AM aware of such a possibility; Its me that was wrong about everything from the start and I'm in nothing but a deep pile of mess. In short, I've no control of me and my life. Perhaps.......
Academics
Regarding this matter, the solution is quite simple and blunt. Just work harder. I myself know that if I give it everything, I WILL achieve what I want. So where's the dilemma? The price. Time is so limited. There's so much I want to do. From running around town to sitting in my room and think. What are achievements to me? A solid excuse for me passing my time. So what are my achievements? Nothing. Every time I look at my academic failures I'll feel depressed. But again who's to blame but myself? Ironically, I do believe I've condemned myself to eternal depression.
Relations
Nothing to speak of, being a loser aged at 20. Friends? They come and go. What defines a relationship? A friend is someone that understands you? Then I'll have none. A friend is someone that shares the same interest? Too vague to hold on to tightly. A friend is someone that just happens to be beside you, and is not obliged to share your problems? Yup, I have lots of those. But to be fair, its just me and my vain pride halting me from sharing. Though, whats the point. Its just venting off steam. Its not like they'll truly try to understand what you feel. They have their own problems, its not their fault. The conclusion? I'm the insignificant jerk that's destroying myself, perhaps for the better. Love eh? Someone please tell me what that is...I've just touched something I shouldn't have...
Someone just come and kill me already...
Family
Ever tried living up to any expectations in your life set by anyone other than yourself? Sure you did. I did. I know what they expect of me, yet I know they feel irregularities about that as well. Stranded between desire of pushing me to my best and fear of giving me too much pressure, they've decided to leave me alone. At long last, finally. But its not like I'm giving up. I'd rather fulfill their expectations at my own pace, that's all. But there is still insecurities looming within me. Why? Cause I know that they don't trust me fully. In their eyes I'm not capable of making my own decisions wisely. Everything I've achieved (if any exists) is from sheer luck. But its something not within my control. It can hurt a lot when you understand your parents as much as they understand you, where at times you even wonder if they knew who you really are...But then again, I AM aware of such a possibility; Its me that was wrong about everything from the start and I'm in nothing but a deep pile of mess. In short, I've no control of me and my life. Perhaps.......
Academics
Regarding this matter, the solution is quite simple and blunt. Just work harder. I myself know that if I give it everything, I WILL achieve what I want. So where's the dilemma? The price. Time is so limited. There's so much I want to do. From running around town to sitting in my room and think. What are achievements to me? A solid excuse for me passing my time. So what are my achievements? Nothing. Every time I look at my academic failures I'll feel depressed. But again who's to blame but myself? Ironically, I do believe I've condemned myself to eternal depression.
Relations
Nothing to speak of, being a loser aged at 20. Friends? They come and go. What defines a relationship? A friend is someone that understands you? Then I'll have none. A friend is someone that shares the same interest? Too vague to hold on to tightly. A friend is someone that just happens to be beside you, and is not obliged to share your problems? Yup, I have lots of those. But to be fair, its just me and my vain pride halting me from sharing. Though, whats the point. Its just venting off steam. Its not like they'll truly try to understand what you feel. They have their own problems, its not their fault. The conclusion? I'm the insignificant jerk that's destroying myself, perhaps for the better. Love eh? Someone please tell me what that is...I've just touched something I shouldn't have...
Someone just come and kill me already...
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