Short gist of recent rants and complaints...

*sigh...been a while since my last entry. Honestly, so much is going through my head right now that I'm having troubles lining events into sequence. Its said that one downfall will lead to another if its not solved at the beginning. Well I can see now how true that is now. After all, it all revolves around the same person; me. I just don't know how much longer I can hold myself. Truth be said, my new life had been a spiral downturn. Currently I can't even list out my priority...doubts doubts doubts....

Family
Ever tried living up to any expectations in your life set by anyone other than yourself? Sure you did. I did. I know what they expect of me, yet I know they feel irregularities about that as well. Stranded between desire of pushing me to my best and fear of giving me too much pressure, they've decided to leave me alone. At long last, finally. But its not like I'm giving up. I'd rather fulfill their expectations at my own pace, that's all. But there is still insecurities looming within me. Why? Cause I know that they don't trust me fully. In their eyes I'm not capable of making my own decisions wisely. Everything I've achieved (if any exists) is from sheer luck. But its something not within my control. It can hurt a lot when you understand your parents as much as they understand you, where at times you even wonder if they knew who you really are...But then again, I AM aware of such a possibility; Its me that was wrong about everything from the start and I'm in nothing but a deep pile of mess. In short, I've no control of me and my life. Perhaps.......

Academics
Regarding this matter, the solution is quite simple and blunt. Just work harder. I myself know that if I give it everything, I WILL achieve what I want. So where's the dilemma? The price. Time is so limited. There's so much I want to do. From running around town to sitting in my room and think. What are achievements to me? A solid excuse for me passing my time. So what are my achievements? Nothing. Every time I look at my academic failures I'll feel depressed. But again who's to blame but myself? Ironically, I do believe I've condemned myself to eternal depression.

Relations
Nothing to speak of, being a loser aged at 20. Friends? They come and go. What defines a relationship? A friend is someone that understands you? Then I'll have none. A friend is someone that shares the same interest? Too vague to hold on to tightly. A friend is someone that just happens to be beside you, and is not obliged to share your problems? Yup, I have lots of those. But to be fair, its just me and my vain pride halting me from sharing. Though, whats the point. Its just venting off steam. Its not like they'll truly try to understand what you feel. They have their own problems, its not their fault. The conclusion? I'm the insignificant jerk that's destroying myself, perhaps for the better. Love eh? Someone please tell me what that is...I've just touched something I shouldn't have...

Someone just come and kill me already...