My aching right shoulder didn't serve as a reason to stop me from blogging. Been a helluva time since my last entry. Partially due to the reason my keyboard is spoiled (The spacebar ain't working well, even now), but mainly because my mind is so congested with thoughts and worries that I could neither put into sequence nor synchronize whats going on to fit into a blog. Honestly, being a linguistic student, my expressive ability via words is really pathetic. *Sigh...
Most of the nights I would attempt to rearrange my world that is slowly falling apart by sitting in front of the screen and try to blog. This helps me organize the pile of troubles I've been compiling for myself and allows me to address them one at a time, in a single-file line of progress. But as we all can see, I failed bitterly. All that was achieved would be me growing tired and finally hit the sack with an agonizing lethargy yet unable to sleep. Why? I believe one would not be able to enter a state of conducive peace when storms of inter-arguments rage within the head. Emotional pains, tiring thoughts, fearful assumptions, bitter realities, and even unfounded worries will be blended into a single gulp. Results? A numb feeling that sweeps over the entire body as if in a heavily sedated state. Finally reaching the peak of physical and mental limits, the mercy of sleep will finally arrive. The best thing about it? I've been suffering from nightmares for a series of weeks now. The solace? It starts all over again the next night.
Truth is, these issues conjures a feeling of restlessness. I no longer wake up in the morning feeling relaxed nor refreshed. Nowadays its an unpleasant jolt that sends adrenaline rushing throughout your body, rendering a sensation as if you had just finished running half a mile for your life. What a pleasant way to start my day. Many would ask why didn't I seek out the cause and deal with it? Well I know the cause all right. But I can't deal with it, least I CAN'T think of a way to. A kind friend which I shared a small piece of it with last night had advised me to "move on". Trust me, I would if I could. All these negative issues entangling me can be solved only through the passing of time. I knew that a long time ago. That was the rule and penalty for joining in the "game". Time can be so short when you need it, yet it ticks forever slowly as you walk with it. How ironic.
Looking around, I know I should not parade about these things and its my own problem to deal with. Thus nowadays I return to masquerading. Its becoming more and more difficult, since it adds up to the burden. And personally, I don't really enjoy doing that. But alas, its not within my rights to decide...
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