End of the month...

With the urge to fill up my blog with yet another entry before the month ends, I am here now after a morning workout waiting for my family to rouse. Ideas? None. Inspiration? All time low. Life? As usual (does not bode well).

With the lack of attentiveness to everything around me for the entire month, days had been dragging pass at the rate of a crawling snail (for lack of a better metaphor). The only thing that is working well so far? That would be the game face I put on when I appear in public. Blogging had became the sole solace for my own ranting, a form of record my future reference, and nonetheless a reminder of my failure in handling myself.

Been treading myself down to earth lately; inconsistent sleeping hours, overhauling the body, stressing the mind on mingling thoughts. Never much of a religious person, I've never spend time trying to talk to God when I'm alone. OK, maybe I do, sometimes. But I never really surrender much to Him. Pretty much blasphemous, I had maintained a "I will accomplish things myself without having to rely on anyone" mindset for a considerable time now. And by "anyone" it means He is included. Not because of pride or anything foolishly personal, but its past experience that taught me where relying on others includes a certain amount of risk, involving relentless disappointment. Its part of the idea that partially includes me not sharing my problems, least not with the wrong company. By that I do not mean non-trustworthy or anything near mockery, but its just that parties that are not involved will NOT share any empathy.

I hate myself for being weak and useless, even more so that I'm showing parts of it, much more so that I can't change it....

Of Chocolate Chips and Bananas

Another day, gone, painted in a nutshell of assumed regularities and laughter. Some will kill, some will lament, some will whiff it away and laugh till the day itself end. Though, more is the envious of the peaceful day I had just gone through. Halt. Look into my eyes. What do you people see? Can you feel through the awkwardness, an inconsistency that's swirling within me? No. No you can't. Today feels as if it doesn't belong to me. How can you smile and laugh when you are hurting so much within? How can you care about others when you are not able to give any for yourself to reside in? All these does not go along. Irregularities. Non-beneficial lies. Idiocy. Hypocrisy. Overwhelming stupidity. Lay these down for me as I'm well acquitted to claim them as I live.



No. That is not it. I'm a realists. I carry the heart of a perfectionist molded with a slight essence of emphatists. Languid smokes of comfort occasionally bearing the form of truth arises from the smoldering ashes of the past. There is a reason I do all these silly stunts that strays from sanity. As I look around, I saw familiarities in others. They, too, are doing the same albeit motivated by a different cause. Yes, in life we choose things that go against written facts. But the best results does not always mean the most favored. We are humans. It is in our innate nature to seek what's best for ourselves, deceiving warnings issued by our mind. But the important thing is, we love and enjoy the beautiful and fabulous feeling that is only attainable through such silly actions...



When baking, it is a common practice to NOT mix inorganic flavors (Chocolate chips) with organic flavors (bananas). It is said that out tongue is unable to differentiate the two tastes out at the same time. Ignoring this will result in a product that is labelled as "tastes weird". Thats a written rule from the past and is proven true. But today we see a revolution in that. Despite the "weird" flavors, men have discovered the better result by pursuing the inordinary. Molding chocolate chips and bananas with butter and baking powder, add in a slight tinge of vanila essence before the baking process, and you will get a palatal stimulating masterpiece.
This is a discovery made by those who trusted in themselves, persevering through jeers and teases.

Edisi tunggal...

Disebabkan pengaruh sebaya, maka wujudlah keputusan yang selitan terbaru ini akan dibuat dalam Bahasa Malaysia. Namun begitu, kepanasan bilik yang meruntuhkan semangat serta kekurangan tunjang ilham falsafah mengakibatkan kekosongan minda. Oleh demikian, terpaksalah saya memendekkan selitan ini.

Seperti yang dikatakan, kekurangan inspirasi (punca daripada kukurangan oksigen dalam otak berserta jurang masa yang pendek antara selitan terakhir dengan yang terbaru) merupakan masalah besar apabila anda ingin mengecapi keindahan bahasa dalam penulisan yang bermakna. Walaupun bukan secara keseluruhan, saya masih dianggap salah satu peneraju masa depan di menara gading. Biasanya alasan tersebut tidak akan diterima untuk insan yang membawa gelaran "mahasiswa" seperti saya. Sekiranya didapati, besar kemungkinannya saya akan dipaksa mengambil subjek BM sekali lagi. Inilah yang dikatakan "dukacita".

Namun demikian, saya tetap ingin meneruskan selitan kali ini. Walaupun saya tidak mempunyai semangat patriotisme yang kuat, kacang tetap tidak boleh melupakan kulit. Tanah airku tetap Malaysia. Atas alasan demikian, wujudlah teraju hati yang diterima dengan terbuka dimana saya patut mengulang-kaji kefasihan bahasa negaraku.

Sepertimana yang dikatakan di pendahuluan, delitan terkini akan "dipendekkan". Definisi tersebut bermakna saya akan menurunkan noktah di sini. Kesulitan pengarang (saya) yang wujud tetap tidak dapat dibias dalam masa yang pendek. Sekian akhir.

Food for thought; Goth, Literacy, and Me...

There's a habit of me looking at the clock every single time before I start my blog. Why? A sense if trepidation always sweeps over whenever I do a reality check-up. Knowing that while I dwell on haunting from the past the future keeps coming ever closer. Geological senses are an amazing feat where we humans are privileged to. Of distances, time, emotions, vanities and virtues, we feel them inside of ourselves more than we realize or accept.

~ Blaring in my room now ~

Le Nouveau Gothique. A bittersweet phrase of me addressing me and my perception of my own life. A mild taste of slothfulness emerges at the thought that my latest semester is about to begin. In my life, I had always fought head-on towards calamities and adversities in a multitude of varieties. Many times had I fell, standing up again on bruises yet proud that it didn't stop me from doing so, that in itself fills me with a sense of victory to the brim. The feeling is quite motivating, albeit I know not why it had to be done in the beginning. Are we humans born with a purpose that we seek unknowingly? Perhaps, cause I know not. Of the things I do, is it leading to or serves an ultimate purpose meant to be achieved in the lifespan granted to me? Such questions always conjures up a spiral of other questions. Another fabulous feat of humans. As we think, we are able to chain up one issue to another where a minute ago seems so distant. The way our mind works is a miracle that rivals the mystere of the universe.

Off and on the subject again, I wanted to achieve accomplishments in everything I see. An innate urge drives me like an addiction, quite similar to a primitive survival instinct. An easy life? Wealth? Knowledge? Pride? Vanity? Honestly, these seems so trivial. I know there is something else I want that transcends my own perception of logic, theres a purpose I'm leading my life the way I am now, where in the ultimate end I strive that I may catch the smallest glimpse if not embrace it.

~ This is good ~

Literacy, a worldly achievement by the minds of the past. It allows us to link events across time and space. Feel the mind of those separated by life and death. Represent a world where sometime in the future only imagination can live in. Of the things I'm writing now, perhaps if it's discovered a millenia later, another individual will think like I do now? Now thats what I call living eternally. No cold hard facts, neither quantifiable nor measurable, its felt. Science stream students may laugh, realists may snigger, but I will still wear this proudly. Victory and self-fulfillment is subjective. I pity those who are consumed by the world they are born in, trying to match up to machines and programmes, forgetting they are flesh and blood. Ponder?

My clock shows that in approximately 11 hours and 45 minutes, I'll enter the 21st annual reverie that I came to this earth. Many makes a huge fuss over their 21st birthday. The way I see it; "I've come twenty-one years towards the end of my life. whatever it is I set out to do, I'm getting closer. Have I done what's necessary...? 21, its a good number to stop and check, where I started, where I am now, where am I going...."

~ Perfect for my blog ~

All these philosophical thoughts that plunges me spiritually...makes me who I am...I've definitely come a long way since the day I can only cry...approximately twenty one years....

A similarity between cats and humans? A cat is said to have nine lives, men carry on with theirs as if they do.... ~ Nine Lives, Teoh Choon Ean

My Philaharmonic Stage

"Each and everyone of us is an actor in the stage of life" ~ William Shakespeare

A room draped in fabric, a clarity of attentions, a tense yet exulting atmosphere; a philharmonic orchestral.
Thus is the stage of my life.

What I'm trying to be is,
The Violinist.
Tonight, I'm seated among others, insignificant on my own, yet my tune contributes to the play.
I yearn for a solo, where in the span of a few breathes, the stage belongs to me alone.
But I'm only among the conducted, precipitating illusory melodies, weaved by my very own hands.
Eyes are of no importance, for they only desire the beautiful lies reverberating across the hall.
If this is what they request, then giveth I shall.
Tonight, like many passed, I again shall remain on the stage sharing.
My part comes "tomorrow"

What I dream of being is,
The Conductor.
Tonight belongs to me.
Unlike others, I stand facing the artisans of vocal magnificence.
Unlike others, I back the sea of commoners, who's indulgence in the clairvoyance is sedative.
Excitement pulsates through the blood in my veins, knowing that I have "sovereignty" at the tips of my finger.
Tonight, I take the lead.
Tonight, I'm free, to conduct a play where i can call "my own".
Alas, an exuberance I longed for is within my grasp.

But who I really am is;
The Audience.
Tonight, I worry not about who I am.
I am here, to catch the enchantment, to bask in the ambiance.
The stage is like a spring, rejuvenating my thirst for solace.
Like all springs, needless it is to wonder the source, as long as it quenches.
As if heaven itself descended, the mere emanation of a breathtaking resonance enlivens me.
But illusions are, in the end, illusions.
As the play ends, so does my beautiful dream.
The finale brings together with it, an elucidated reality I thought I had long escaped.




Tonight: 2010 Elysian & Tartarus Crossover, The 1st Score.