With the urge to fill up my blog with yet another entry before the month ends, I am here now after a morning workout waiting for my family to rouse. Ideas? None. Inspiration? All time low. Life? As usual (does not bode well).
With the lack of attentiveness to everything around me for the entire month, days had been dragging pass at the rate of a crawling snail (for lack of a better metaphor). The only thing that is working well so far? That would be the game face I put on when I appear in public. Blogging had became the sole solace for my own ranting, a form of record my future reference, and nonetheless a reminder of my failure in handling myself.
Been treading myself down to earth lately; inconsistent sleeping hours, overhauling the body, stressing the mind on mingling thoughts. Never much of a religious person, I've never spend time trying to talk to God when I'm alone. OK, maybe I do, sometimes. But I never really surrender much to Him. Pretty much blasphemous, I had maintained a "I will accomplish things myself without having to rely on anyone" mindset for a considerable time now. And by "anyone" it means He is included. Not because of pride or anything foolishly personal, but its past experience that taught me where relying on others includes a certain amount of risk, involving relentless disappointment. Its part of the idea that partially includes me not sharing my problems, least not with the wrong company. By that I do not mean non-trustworthy or anything near mockery, but its just that parties that are not involved will NOT share any empathy.
I hate myself for being weak and useless, even more so that I'm showing parts of it, much more so that I can't change it....
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