Men had started recording time before they could even speak properly. From etchings on cave walls we had moved to Tag'heurs on our wrist. Progress. Development. Discovery. A dawn of new eras had took place over and over again. Here I am today, approximately less than 72 hours before the arrival of the first millennial decade, yet blank in the mind. Of sad cases, this is one of them.
As I did not escape the tendencies practiced by normal men, I inch towards the end of 2009 holding a handful of sweet and bitter reveries, sorting them out randomly. As I turn my back to the precipice of an annual turnover, I, too, is deeply impressed by the miracles time can bring upon a person. Honestly, this had been one congested year, figuratively and literally, mentally and physically. But its within my desires today NOT to revere bout my tragic nor epic, I'm much inclined to post a more constructive entry for the sake of future reference.
In an analogous sensation, I'm anticipating New Year just as much as I did for Christmas Eve. For me, New Year brings along with it the joy of celebrating my dad's birthday as well. And since a few years ago, I've been given the delight to cook up a storm on such an occasion, specially for my family. So here's a note for myself: no matter where I am, what I've become, what I did, I'll still have a very supportive and reliable dad to count on. Knowing he's there gives me strength and reason to live, and I will not make it here today without him. I will remember that I promised not to make him worry, and hopefully proud of me one day. I WILL bring this resolution to 2010. I swear.
Everyone's talking about new year resolutions. Personally, I believe it is over-rated. You people can check my priorities anytime at the side of my blog. Instead, I believe it to be much more important to check up on determinations regarding unfinished businesses. Throughout the year, on occasions where nothing is out of the ordinary, I've made resolutions on a whim. To me, its better to realize how much of it I've accomplished, not lengthening the list.
For a downtrodden, good for nothing spoiler like me, New Year is nothing but another check point in life. One step nearer to the end. It marks the line where I separate failure from success. Therefore, what I have in the respective boxes for 2009 is the most important things I need to bring over to 2010...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Preludes of another step taken...
Warmth and comfort drives the mind to work in mysterious ways. Lying flat on my back surrounded by the security a bed can offer to the heart, it plunges our thoughts deep within ourselves. Wounds will heal but scars does not fade, susceptible it is to bleed again as well. It did. Here I am tonight, a living prove of what choices made in the past had designed. It matters not if its done for me, by me, or along with me. What matters would be the crude facade many had prefered to elude; it has already been made. And that, my friends, is what we call "the past".
So what about the future? Ironic is what I call it, as we dedicate our present to prepare for a better future. Being nothing more than the conventional, I myself heaves through the same drill. But a sudden trigger drives me to think how much I am to myself this very instance, since pain is something you deal with "now". Stand amidst hundreds of people in the streets, close your eyes, and imagine what is your worth to others that just walk passed you. Here I am so obvious to the naked eye in broad daylight, yet few would bother to even throw a glance at you. Excuse me, would you care to take a look at me? I wish to know what difference it'll make in the future... *Blink. It is amazing to realize that as you stand in your own presence, no one else sees you.
Questions now filling the mind to the brim, I seek the shelter of silence and solace. Just exactly how far life can take a soul? And how much nearer we are as each day pass? I don't know. What difference each seconds offers to my life? Again, I don't know. Close your eyes as you stand at the topmost edge of the city's tower. The whole world is beneath your feet, the heavens and earth now embraced by your wide open arms, and last but not least, the most exciting feeling; your life is now entirely within your control. Pain is surfaced from a reverie filled with trepidation. Long had I thought I can live through it, long had I been wrong. How easily my resolve can be shattered, much easier for wounds to reopen and bleed again. Ahh....so much to ponder, so much more decisions to make, so much more of myself to bear... Someday in the future, again I will return to these thoughts, possibly with even greater entanglements. Perhaps its time to break the cycle?
Perhaps I should take one step towards the marvelous scene in front of me. It is painted by the heavens, given live by the very same people who ignored me moments ago, the very same people who made my life happy, the very same people who void me of a warm heart, the very same people who had seen how my life had come and will go, and the very same people like myself. This one step will divert me from sharing their existence, perhaps I will see what I need to see, and perhaps finally a choice I won't regret will dawn...
But the next thing I know....
I'm already falling...
*Will it be continued...?
So what about the future? Ironic is what I call it, as we dedicate our present to prepare for a better future. Being nothing more than the conventional, I myself heaves through the same drill. But a sudden trigger drives me to think how much I am to myself this very instance, since pain is something you deal with "now". Stand amidst hundreds of people in the streets, close your eyes, and imagine what is your worth to others that just walk passed you. Here I am so obvious to the naked eye in broad daylight, yet few would bother to even throw a glance at you. Excuse me, would you care to take a look at me? I wish to know what difference it'll make in the future... *Blink. It is amazing to realize that as you stand in your own presence, no one else sees you.
Questions now filling the mind to the brim, I seek the shelter of silence and solace. Just exactly how far life can take a soul? And how much nearer we are as each day pass? I don't know. What difference each seconds offers to my life? Again, I don't know. Close your eyes as you stand at the topmost edge of the city's tower. The whole world is beneath your feet, the heavens and earth now embraced by your wide open arms, and last but not least, the most exciting feeling; your life is now entirely within your control. Pain is surfaced from a reverie filled with trepidation. Long had I thought I can live through it, long had I been wrong. How easily my resolve can be shattered, much easier for wounds to reopen and bleed again. Ahh....so much to ponder, so much more decisions to make, so much more of myself to bear... Someday in the future, again I will return to these thoughts, possibly with even greater entanglements. Perhaps its time to break the cycle?
Perhaps I should take one step towards the marvelous scene in front of me. It is painted by the heavens, given live by the very same people who ignored me moments ago, the very same people who made my life happy, the very same people who void me of a warm heart, the very same people who had seen how my life had come and will go, and the very same people like myself. This one step will divert me from sharing their existence, perhaps I will see what I need to see, and perhaps finally a choice I won't regret will dawn...
But the next thing I know....
I'm already falling...
*Will it be continued...?
Monday, December 14, 2009
A sudden chain of unrealistic thoughts...
Blinking in front of me is an assortment of colours, running across my skin is the feel of breezes. Cracking across the room is my typing on the keyboard, wafting in the air is the smell of rain, and last but not least, pulsating on my tongue is the taste of sweetness.
Blessed are we with five earthly senses. And as all humans do and think alike, we take a lot of things for granted (in which case you know what I'm talking about?). The world around us is created through the blessings of these senses, so is ourselves. But has anyone ever stop and think; what will happen if we can link these five senses together? Will we be able to understand this world better? Or better still, see who we really are?
If only we can "feel" sight, we will no longer be as blind as we are. We'll be able to "feel" the warmth of kindness, the pain of lies, the burn of hypocrisy, and the touch of sincerity. No longer will people walk the streets masked in lies that our society now demands so much, averting our sight from the truth only because it hurts us, willing others to suffer cause we dread it ourselves. Cause then even with our eyes closed, lying will pierce and burn our heart, kindness will be embraced by everyone without the taunt of foolishness, and sincerity will reach across without taints of doubt. Only then, can reality be truly faced.
If only we can "taste" smells, then perhaps the people will be more responsible. As the "taste" of cigarettes burn red hot, and smokes so bitter they render you dumb. Odours that numbs our palate so much, we'll taste in fear of losing it forever. Only then, will the people understand the meaning of "fear', "disgrace", "nauseous", or even "shame" as the fact that something so foul touches their most reserved sense.
If only we can "see" feelings, then we'll be able to be more emphatising. The "colour" of sadness, happiness, rejection, love, insecurity, or even loneliness. We'll be able to realise it whenever we hurted someone, forsaken someone, or even brought joy to someone. We'll be able to know that our presence means comfort to someone else, or vice versa. No longer will we have to doubt others around us; "Am I welcomed?", "Does she love me?", "Is he sad?", "Is my company being rejected?". If so is the case, people will be able to care more about people around them, nor can we tell naked lies to hide our feelings.
If only voices have "shapes", we'll be able to "pile" them in accordance. Sweet melodies shall be stacked neatly, warm comforts stored nicely, painful truths arranged in sequence, and blatant lies discarded indiscriminately. No longer shall the people be influenced by others indecisively, neither can liars talk freely, nor rumours run amok. When so is the case, people will be held responsible for each and every word they say, and perhaps, less pain will spread around?
Having all these said, I wonder (perhaps you should as well), "what" surrounds me?
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tinges of the season.
Dusk itself now embarking onto a relief,
the world settles to a cozy rest.
Comfort encloses the heart as light illuminate the streets,
so intoxicating occasionally it embraces the souls fervently.
Darkness is the quilt we'll lie under soon,
yes; night is here.
Wafting through the air,
the season smells so sweet and harmonious,
prompting a reverie of soothing Earl in Grey.
How misty nostalgia can be,
especially upon the persuasion of a perennial tire.
But no, it's not lost.
Analogous to the son et lumiere,
the melody sounds so mellifluous,
I'm at peace.
Gasp* The story has grown since,
endeavors written like a fairy tale.
So ensnaring it is to reminisce in a garden of bliss,
ironic to the blood and tears that were shed.
As colorful glitters girdle sadness pass,
a heartfelt smile shines across stained faces.
Life brimming their emptiness again,
salient is the virtue of treasuring present.
As for the future, it rests for now.
Oh how sinful of me to forget,
about how breathtaking the world will be,
through the enchantment of a mere simper.
Eyes on the stars,
feet on the ground.
Forever is the journey to claim,
never-ending is our efforts to pursuit.
Know us not now is the time?
To rest and appreciate,
upon a season showered by love?
The chilling solstice rings contradictorily,
to the warm spirits eagerly shrouding the snow.
All ye gentle-souls walking this earth,
A merry festive season to thee...
the world settles to a cozy rest.
Comfort encloses the heart as light illuminate the streets,
so intoxicating occasionally it embraces the souls fervently.
Darkness is the quilt we'll lie under soon,
yes; night is here.
Wafting through the air,
the season smells so sweet and harmonious,
prompting a reverie of soothing Earl in Grey.
How misty nostalgia can be,
especially upon the persuasion of a perennial tire.
But no, it's not lost.
Analogous to the son et lumiere,
the melody sounds so mellifluous,
I'm at peace.
Gasp* The story has grown since,
endeavors written like a fairy tale.
So ensnaring it is to reminisce in a garden of bliss,
ironic to the blood and tears that were shed.
As colorful glitters girdle sadness pass,
a heartfelt smile shines across stained faces.
Life brimming their emptiness again,
salient is the virtue of treasuring present.
As for the future, it rests for now.
Oh how sinful of me to forget,
about how breathtaking the world will be,
through the enchantment of a mere simper.
Eyes on the stars,
feet on the ground.
Forever is the journey to claim,
never-ending is our efforts to pursuit.
Know us not now is the time?
To rest and appreciate,
upon a season showered by love?
The chilling solstice rings contradictorily,
to the warm spirits eagerly shrouding the snow.
All ye gentle-souls walking this earth,
A merry festive season to thee...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Promises
In my life, I had made many promises. Many which I didn't bother keeping when I was younger. I had forgotten since when I realize how depressive it gets when you're disappointed, but it was since then I try my very best to keep all the promises I make. I don't simply offer promises nowadays, unless I have a certain amount of confidence that I'm capable of keeping it. Today, I can say with pride that I take promises as something very precious, especially when its made to people that are important to me.
I would like to dedicate a small part of this entry to my very dear friend in Australia (If you're reading bro, yes, its you ^^) I'm very touched that he remembered to buy me the chocolates that I asked him to get for me at the beginning of the year. He even got the flavors right. At first I didn't give much thought to the request. But now I feel kinda "happy" (A feeling very much welcomed these days). I can't acutely describe how I'm feeling right now, but its pleasant. To know that someone somewhere had taken his word for you seriously to heart, enables me to embrace the thought that I'm not such a meager existence. At least, there is one more person that remembers me, and its not on a whim. Thanks bro.
Yes, I do remember some of the promises I made along the year, to a certain someone that is important to me, up till now. She may have forgotten all bout it, think that I don't intend to keep it, or simply doesn't care bout it anymore. But here I pledge my words to God himself; I do remember, I do care, and I intend to keep it, whether you care or not. And THIS, is a promise to myself and God.
I would like to dedicate a small part of this entry to my very dear friend in Australia (If you're reading bro, yes, its you ^^) I'm very touched that he remembered to buy me the chocolates that I asked him to get for me at the beginning of the year. He even got the flavors right. At first I didn't give much thought to the request. But now I feel kinda "happy" (A feeling very much welcomed these days). I can't acutely describe how I'm feeling right now, but its pleasant. To know that someone somewhere had taken his word for you seriously to heart, enables me to embrace the thought that I'm not such a meager existence. At least, there is one more person that remembers me, and its not on a whim. Thanks bro.
Yes, I do remember some of the promises I made along the year, to a certain someone that is important to me, up till now. She may have forgotten all bout it, think that I don't intend to keep it, or simply doesn't care bout it anymore. But here I pledge my words to God himself; I do remember, I do care, and I intend to keep it, whether you care or not. And THIS, is a promise to myself and God.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A small pinch of bitterness...
My aching right shoulder didn't serve as a reason to stop me from blogging. Been a helluva time since my last entry. Partially due to the reason my keyboard is spoiled (The spacebar ain't working well, even now), but mainly because my mind is so congested with thoughts and worries that I could neither put into sequence nor synchronize whats going on to fit into a blog. Honestly, being a linguistic student, my expressive ability via words is really pathetic. *Sigh...
Most of the nights I would attempt to rearrange my world that is slowly falling apart by sitting in front of the screen and try to blog. This helps me organize the pile of troubles I've been compiling for myself and allows me to address them one at a time, in a single-file line of progress. But as we all can see, I failed bitterly. All that was achieved would be me growing tired and finally hit the sack with an agonizing lethargy yet unable to sleep. Why? I believe one would not be able to enter a state of conducive peace when storms of inter-arguments rage within the head. Emotional pains, tiring thoughts, fearful assumptions, bitter realities, and even unfounded worries will be blended into a single gulp. Results? A numb feeling that sweeps over the entire body as if in a heavily sedated state. Finally reaching the peak of physical and mental limits, the mercy of sleep will finally arrive. The best thing about it? I've been suffering from nightmares for a series of weeks now. The solace? It starts all over again the next night.
Truth is, these issues conjures a feeling of restlessness. I no longer wake up in the morning feeling relaxed nor refreshed. Nowadays its an unpleasant jolt that sends adrenaline rushing throughout your body, rendering a sensation as if you had just finished running half a mile for your life. What a pleasant way to start my day. Many would ask why didn't I seek out the cause and deal with it? Well I know the cause all right. But I can't deal with it, least I CAN'T think of a way to. A kind friend which I shared a small piece of it with last night had advised me to "move on". Trust me, I would if I could. All these negative issues entangling me can be solved only through the passing of time. I knew that a long time ago. That was the rule and penalty for joining in the "game". Time can be so short when you need it, yet it ticks forever slowly as you walk with it. How ironic.
Looking around, I know I should not parade about these things and its my own problem to deal with. Thus nowadays I return to masquerading. Its becoming more and more difficult, since it adds up to the burden. And personally, I don't really enjoy doing that. But alas, its not within my rights to decide...
Most of the nights I would attempt to rearrange my world that is slowly falling apart by sitting in front of the screen and try to blog. This helps me organize the pile of troubles I've been compiling for myself and allows me to address them one at a time, in a single-file line of progress. But as we all can see, I failed bitterly. All that was achieved would be me growing tired and finally hit the sack with an agonizing lethargy yet unable to sleep. Why? I believe one would not be able to enter a state of conducive peace when storms of inter-arguments rage within the head. Emotional pains, tiring thoughts, fearful assumptions, bitter realities, and even unfounded worries will be blended into a single gulp. Results? A numb feeling that sweeps over the entire body as if in a heavily sedated state. Finally reaching the peak of physical and mental limits, the mercy of sleep will finally arrive. The best thing about it? I've been suffering from nightmares for a series of weeks now. The solace? It starts all over again the next night.
Truth is, these issues conjures a feeling of restlessness. I no longer wake up in the morning feeling relaxed nor refreshed. Nowadays its an unpleasant jolt that sends adrenaline rushing throughout your body, rendering a sensation as if you had just finished running half a mile for your life. What a pleasant way to start my day. Many would ask why didn't I seek out the cause and deal with it? Well I know the cause all right. But I can't deal with it, least I CAN'T think of a way to. A kind friend which I shared a small piece of it with last night had advised me to "move on". Trust me, I would if I could. All these negative issues entangling me can be solved only through the passing of time. I knew that a long time ago. That was the rule and penalty for joining in the "game". Time can be so short when you need it, yet it ticks forever slowly as you walk with it. How ironic.
Looking around, I know I should not parade about these things and its my own problem to deal with. Thus nowadays I return to masquerading. Its becoming more and more difficult, since it adds up to the burden. And personally, I don't really enjoy doing that. But alas, its not within my rights to decide...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Short gist of recent rants and complaints...
*sigh...been a while since my last entry. Honestly, so much is going through my head right now that I'm having troubles lining events into sequence. Its said that one downfall will lead to another if its not solved at the beginning. Well I can see now how true that is now. After all, it all revolves around the same person; me. I just don't know how much longer I can hold myself. Truth be said, my new life had been a spiral downturn. Currently I can't even list out my priority...doubts doubts doubts....
Family
Ever tried living up to any expectations in your life set by anyone other than yourself? Sure you did. I did. I know what they expect of me, yet I know they feel irregularities about that as well. Stranded between desire of pushing me to my best and fear of giving me too much pressure, they've decided to leave me alone. At long last, finally. But its not like I'm giving up. I'd rather fulfill their expectations at my own pace, that's all. But there is still insecurities looming within me. Why? Cause I know that they don't trust me fully. In their eyes I'm not capable of making my own decisions wisely. Everything I've achieved (if any exists) is from sheer luck. But its something not within my control. It can hurt a lot when you understand your parents as much as they understand you, where at times you even wonder if they knew who you really are...But then again, I AM aware of such a possibility; Its me that was wrong about everything from the start and I'm in nothing but a deep pile of mess. In short, I've no control of me and my life. Perhaps.......
Academics
Regarding this matter, the solution is quite simple and blunt. Just work harder. I myself know that if I give it everything, I WILL achieve what I want. So where's the dilemma? The price. Time is so limited. There's so much I want to do. From running around town to sitting in my room and think. What are achievements to me? A solid excuse for me passing my time. So what are my achievements? Nothing. Every time I look at my academic failures I'll feel depressed. But again who's to blame but myself? Ironically, I do believe I've condemned myself to eternal depression.
Relations
Nothing to speak of, being a loser aged at 20. Friends? They come and go. What defines a relationship? A friend is someone that understands you? Then I'll have none. A friend is someone that shares the same interest? Too vague to hold on to tightly. A friend is someone that just happens to be beside you, and is not obliged to share your problems? Yup, I have lots of those. But to be fair, its just me and my vain pride halting me from sharing. Though, whats the point. Its just venting off steam. Its not like they'll truly try to understand what you feel. They have their own problems, its not their fault. The conclusion? I'm the insignificant jerk that's destroying myself, perhaps for the better. Love eh? Someone please tell me what that is...I've just touched something I shouldn't have...
Someone just come and kill me already...
Family
Ever tried living up to any expectations in your life set by anyone other than yourself? Sure you did. I did. I know what they expect of me, yet I know they feel irregularities about that as well. Stranded between desire of pushing me to my best and fear of giving me too much pressure, they've decided to leave me alone. At long last, finally. But its not like I'm giving up. I'd rather fulfill their expectations at my own pace, that's all. But there is still insecurities looming within me. Why? Cause I know that they don't trust me fully. In their eyes I'm not capable of making my own decisions wisely. Everything I've achieved (if any exists) is from sheer luck. But its something not within my control. It can hurt a lot when you understand your parents as much as they understand you, where at times you even wonder if they knew who you really are...But then again, I AM aware of such a possibility; Its me that was wrong about everything from the start and I'm in nothing but a deep pile of mess. In short, I've no control of me and my life. Perhaps.......
Academics
Regarding this matter, the solution is quite simple and blunt. Just work harder. I myself know that if I give it everything, I WILL achieve what I want. So where's the dilemma? The price. Time is so limited. There's so much I want to do. From running around town to sitting in my room and think. What are achievements to me? A solid excuse for me passing my time. So what are my achievements? Nothing. Every time I look at my academic failures I'll feel depressed. But again who's to blame but myself? Ironically, I do believe I've condemned myself to eternal depression.
Relations
Nothing to speak of, being a loser aged at 20. Friends? They come and go. What defines a relationship? A friend is someone that understands you? Then I'll have none. A friend is someone that shares the same interest? Too vague to hold on to tightly. A friend is someone that just happens to be beside you, and is not obliged to share your problems? Yup, I have lots of those. But to be fair, its just me and my vain pride halting me from sharing. Though, whats the point. Its just venting off steam. Its not like they'll truly try to understand what you feel. They have their own problems, its not their fault. The conclusion? I'm the insignificant jerk that's destroying myself, perhaps for the better. Love eh? Someone please tell me what that is...I've just touched something I shouldn't have...
Someone just come and kill me already...
Monday, October 19, 2009
Seeking solace
Captivated in a trance by the ticking of the alarm clock on my sparkling clean desk, my heavy book lies dormant in its pages within my hands. Thoughts reeling through the mind adds up to the depressive mood. A lethargic body does not help neither. Exhausted of the strength to even feel any extreme emotions, I lie on my bed allowing others to take over my life. Anyone, anything, please, just knock me out and rob me of sovereignty over myself.
How life can be so depressive? To be honest, it wasn't like this before. But as unexpected turns kept appearing one after another, everything started to go out of control. Aware of the many things that are not within my restraint, I always maintain composed and collected, opting to persevere through hardships with the best solution presented by my intellect. But as I grow older, the responsibilities got heavier, emotions became denser, the heart more fragile, succumbing to the weight of the world. I'm already falling behind, too tired to catch up.
Today, felt like the end of genesis and beginning of revelation. A resolve previously shattered by the single mention of a name, now proves itself to be a fatal wound. As it bleeds profusely throughout the day, the hands of Agony now clamped tightly around me. Desperate to stand again, I allowed myself to drift off reality for two hours, while giving in to the prospect of a better ending of the day. But alas, fate intervenes. What met me was the deafening voice of the women who gave life to me, piercing both ears and heart. Heaving myself away from the chaos, hoping to seek solace among others, I only found an hour of solitary anticipation. Returning to the grounds of shelter, met again by a more deafening noise: silence. The book no longer offers peace to the soul now writhing in pain, desperate for everything to end.
Now only one question remains dominant in the head; When a higher power is obviously putting you through torment, what will you do? My faith in hope is waning, I'm not sure how much more of days like this I can take...it is an issue of great despair, when you fear "tomorrow".
Friday, October 16, 2009
Whose tale to tell...
Lingering within is a small wisp of sweetness,
so rare and precious that he is shrouded and oblivious,
to other vivid colours surrounding him.
Entangling himself in luminescent dreams,
forbidding the touch of salient virtues,
no longer aware of the creeping thorns,
encasing the criterion of all flesh and blood,
a weak part of the soul easily corrupted; the heart.
Now the coin is flipped,
judgment being passed in accord to the two faces.
Which to face, he knows not.
Fearing both, he sit weeping in the mist of a dark past,
too lost to find his way out.
Stretched hands now soaked in tears,
only to be held by hands that burns to touch,
so brilliantly shining, that he retreats again.
Now a languid soul walking down the aisle of penitence,
bearing the remnants of a tarnished self,
heaving himself towards his yearned end.
Nothing left to cherish, all was lost but regained,
only to perceive what it is to feel what is never meant to be.
His deeds crumbling behind his steps,
now solitary along the boulevard of broken dreams.
His life, efforts, and dreams,
now nothing but a cloak on a clown,
too indulged in deceit, sworn never again to lift his face
without the enclosure of beautiful masks.
Joined in a parade of the living lost,
condemned to be forever hidden behind lies to weave his way
towards a salvaged rest, of a neatly hemmed fabrication of truth,
known as "hypocrisy".
so rare and precious that he is shrouded and oblivious,
to other vivid colours surrounding him.
Entangling himself in luminescent dreams,
forbidding the touch of salient virtues,
no longer aware of the creeping thorns,
encasing the criterion of all flesh and blood,
a weak part of the soul easily corrupted; the heart.
Now the coin is flipped,
judgment being passed in accord to the two faces.
Which to face, he knows not.
Fearing both, he sit weeping in the mist of a dark past,
too lost to find his way out.
Stretched hands now soaked in tears,
only to be held by hands that burns to touch,
so brilliantly shining, that he retreats again.
Now a languid soul walking down the aisle of penitence,
bearing the remnants of a tarnished self,
heaving himself towards his yearned end.
Nothing left to cherish, all was lost but regained,
only to perceive what it is to feel what is never meant to be.
His deeds crumbling behind his steps,
now solitary along the boulevard of broken dreams.
His life, efforts, and dreams,
now nothing but a cloak on a clown,
too indulged in deceit, sworn never again to lift his face
without the enclosure of beautiful masks.
Joined in a parade of the living lost,
condemned to be forever hidden behind lies to weave his way
towards a salvaged rest, of a neatly hemmed fabrication of truth,
known as "hypocrisy".
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Randomness, Philosophies, Me.
Before you continue reading, I would kindly like you all to watch the video and read the comments...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDY2rOmkzFE
Now honestly, I think the comments for the video represents my own justification for the video. But I'm more inclined to think of something that is slightly related to the video, aside from spiritual teachings/opinions.
The first thought that crossed my mind after watching the video is not about how I should share my religious believes, but instead I'm more attracted to the last few phrases that concludes the video:
Don’t bother me,
With souls to save,
I have my on agenda,
There’s school to do,
Sports to play,
Important stuff to attend to.
Don’t bother me,
With my friend at work,
He’s got his own religion,
I don’t have time,
To change his mind,
He’ll make his own decision.
Don’t bother me,
With that little girl,
The girl playing in the street,
She’s much too young,
To understand
That the Savior she could meet.
Don’t bother me,
With the sounds I hear,
The sounds of people shrieking,
Although I wonder who they are,
Who are these victims
Screaming?
Don’t bother me,
With who they are,
I really don’t want the blame,
Cause it’s my friend at work,
And that little girl,
Who from Hell,
Scream out my name.
(But) Don’t bother me.
Though a bit off, I still see the connection of these phrases between something I've shared in the last entry about caring. Its of the same essence; people no longer care. Take this chance to ask yourself "When was the last time you say "I don't care" or just shrug something off without trying to solve it?" I asked myself, and following up would be a small part of the intra-personal communication that took place after watching the video.
I cherish those people around me, as much as they deserve in my opinion. I would do what I can to help guide them into the right path when they are lost or blinded by emotions, as much as I believe they would do for me. Be it under the name of Christ or not, I feel that this is not important. Before I ask for God's help, I'm always reminded that I should at least finish my part. People had and will hate me for the things I've done. "Its none of your business!!!", "This is what I choose to do!!!", "Why do you care? Does it concerns you?", "You're just being selfish!!!" is mostly what I get for trying to do what I call "help". But this is what I want to do, I see that they are going down the wrong path, most probably clearer than they themselves do. Therefore I wish to stop them. True, that may be selfishness on my part, but still I wish to share what I think is best for them. It may not concern me, but I WANT to care for them cause they mean something to me. It IS none of my business, but I STILL don't want to just sit back and watch people important to me making wrong choices. True, right or wrong is not for me alone to decide. But I do believe that I'm a person that can see truths, thus I wish to share it with them. True, its a lot of hassle. But living true is never meant to be easy. Living itself is not meant to be easy. Recognize your own responsibilities, be it to yourself or others. Do not be afraid of trials, fear not the world now that has already fallen into a state of selfish despair. You change the world into a better place by starting with the one in the mirror, those around it, and finally those around them. Is so easy to say "I don't care" or "Don't bother me", but have you ever thought that by simply showing your back doesn't mean that the problem is solved. Others involved in it will still struggle, probably because of what you did. While you shed your care so that you don't have to cry, those that care for you are crying for being shed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDY2rOmkzFE
Now honestly, I think the comments for the video represents my own justification for the video. But I'm more inclined to think of something that is slightly related to the video, aside from spiritual teachings/opinions.
The first thought that crossed my mind after watching the video is not about how I should share my religious believes, but instead I'm more attracted to the last few phrases that concludes the video:
Don’t bother me,
With souls to save,
I have my on agenda,
There’s school to do,
Sports to play,
Important stuff to attend to.
Don’t bother me,
With my friend at work,
He’s got his own religion,
I don’t have time,
To change his mind,
He’ll make his own decision.
Don’t bother me,
With that little girl,
The girl playing in the street,
She’s much too young,
To understand
That the Savior she could meet.
Don’t bother me,
With the sounds I hear,
The sounds of people shrieking,
Although I wonder who they are,
Who are these victims
Screaming?
Don’t bother me,
With who they are,
I really don’t want the blame,
Cause it’s my friend at work,
And that little girl,
Who from Hell,
Scream out my name.
(But) Don’t bother me.
Though a bit off, I still see the connection of these phrases between something I've shared in the last entry about caring. Its of the same essence; people no longer care. Take this chance to ask yourself "When was the last time you say "I don't care" or just shrug something off without trying to solve it?" I asked myself, and following up would be a small part of the intra-personal communication that took place after watching the video.
I cherish those people around me, as much as they deserve in my opinion. I would do what I can to help guide them into the right path when they are lost or blinded by emotions, as much as I believe they would do for me. Be it under the name of Christ or not, I feel that this is not important. Before I ask for God's help, I'm always reminded that I should at least finish my part. People had and will hate me for the things I've done. "Its none of your business!!!", "This is what I choose to do!!!", "Why do you care? Does it concerns you?", "You're just being selfish!!!" is mostly what I get for trying to do what I call "help". But this is what I want to do, I see that they are going down the wrong path, most probably clearer than they themselves do. Therefore I wish to stop them. True, that may be selfishness on my part, but still I wish to share what I think is best for them. It may not concern me, but I WANT to care for them cause they mean something to me. It IS none of my business, but I STILL don't want to just sit back and watch people important to me making wrong choices. True, right or wrong is not for me alone to decide. But I do believe that I'm a person that can see truths, thus I wish to share it with them. True, its a lot of hassle. But living true is never meant to be easy. Living itself is not meant to be easy. Recognize your own responsibilities, be it to yourself or others. Do not be afraid of trials, fear not the world now that has already fallen into a state of selfish despair. You change the world into a better place by starting with the one in the mirror, those around it, and finally those around them. Is so easy to say "I don't care" or "Don't bother me", but have you ever thought that by simply showing your back doesn't mean that the problem is solved. Others involved in it will still struggle, probably because of what you did. While you shed your care so that you don't have to cry, those that care for you are crying for being shed.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
A little bit of this and that of the past few days???
I suppose this entry will be expected, by quite a few, to elaborate bout my experience at the CF Camp. Well, having just finished a decent dinner with my family, I'm kinda in the mood for it. So why not?
In the first place, a camp is something that I really miss. A bunch of friends gathering together for a few days for the same purpose, going crazy, trying to shut off reality. Eyup, that is most welcomed once in a while. And this 4-day camp was exactly what I needed after pulling through a harsh period that put mental and physical endurance to the test. And it served its purpose, I'm definitely more lighthearted now compared to before.
Its so nostalgic (duh, how old am I???) , going to a camp. The last one I went was like 3 years ago. This CF Camp had been a great treat. I get to devote a few days specially to getting in touch with a higher power (though, not as much as the others had), spending more time with my friends, listen and talk bout certain interesting topics (hopefully I didn't offend anyone, if I did it wasn't intentional, sorry guys), and even get to chill my mind down a little. I can't remember the last time I go crazy without a care in the world. Though, somehow the camera always seems to catch me off-guard T.T (Shirley....) and by the last day, since its too late, I've decided to just let it flow (Shu, DON'T post those pics, you know which ones I mean...). I just can't seem to effectively portray the camp in words, its a mess in a good way. And, something tells me its best kept that way if I'm to keep it as a sweet memory. ^^
Now, for some confession. During the sessions, I wasn't paying exactly full attention ALL the time; my mind still drift off to thoughts that brought up heartaches that has something to do with losses (No, not material properties). Guess its not as easy for me to give up as others did. I can't fully forget about reality during those hours. Even before I sleep everynight, these thoughts still haunt me and worst off, occasionally in my dreams as well. Facts ain't something that is detached so easily, be it permanent or temporary. I tried looking for answers for the many questions regarding many different topics in my heart during the camp. Unfortunately, only a few were answered, and that is not enough. Again, I'm forced to accept that I'm really too powerless, perhaps so much that I can't even fend me from myself.
But it wasn't all that bad. after all, I DID found some answers. Sometimes, preaching is what it takes to make us move on. Theres a huge difference between knowing it and being told about it. The latter is what sets the motion going. What I heard during the camp is something from the bottom of my heart, just that one way or another I had eluded acceptance. I understand that my constant intra-conflict will be my downfall, but at the same time it keeps me sane, contradictive, yea (As to how and why is that, I will not touch here) Pastor Mike was great, I like the way he interprets and I see logical reasoning in it. Truth be said, of the many pastor I've met, some were quite disappointing. ShuE and Renjie, thanks for asking me to ask for prayers and answers from Pastor Mike, but what he gave me was nothing out of the ordinary (I mean his answer to my waiting, not his prayers, the latter which I honestly appreciate), guess all I can do is wait. You can feel another's sincerity when they really mean it. And glad to say, Pastor Mike's had reached me, bless him.
Sad to say, I did receive some bad news when I came back from the camp yesterday. Mum's not feeling well, and a dear friend of mine just met with an emotional trial that seems to set her off the wrong direction. For those who is reading now, please pray that those who are lost can be found again. I honestly don't want my friends going down the wrong path and not doing a single thing about it. But then again, its during these times that I realise that I am really a helpless piece of junk that can do nothing but offer words, which aren't of any use. Its not anything new, but facing it is hard.
"So pray", I guess thats what most people would say. And I guess some would even say "just leave it". The latter is something I will NOT do. Theres already too few caring going around, thus I don't want to withdraw mine. If anyone is going to take something from this entry, make it this one: Don't say "I don't care." Realise what that really means and the change that it can bring. At least do your own part before you complain.
In the first place, a camp is something that I really miss. A bunch of friends gathering together for a few days for the same purpose, going crazy, trying to shut off reality. Eyup, that is most welcomed once in a while. And this 4-day camp was exactly what I needed after pulling through a harsh period that put mental and physical endurance to the test. And it served its purpose, I'm definitely more lighthearted now compared to before.
Its so nostalgic (duh, how old am I???) , going to a camp. The last one I went was like 3 years ago. This CF Camp had been a great treat. I get to devote a few days specially to getting in touch with a higher power (though, not as much as the others had), spending more time with my friends, listen and talk bout certain interesting topics (hopefully I didn't offend anyone, if I did it wasn't intentional, sorry guys), and even get to chill my mind down a little. I can't remember the last time I go crazy without a care in the world. Though, somehow the camera always seems to catch me off-guard T.T (Shirley....) and by the last day, since its too late, I've decided to just let it flow (Shu, DON'T post those pics, you know which ones I mean...). I just can't seem to effectively portray the camp in words, its a mess in a good way. And, something tells me its best kept that way if I'm to keep it as a sweet memory. ^^
Now, for some confession. During the sessions, I wasn't paying exactly full attention ALL the time; my mind still drift off to thoughts that brought up heartaches that has something to do with losses (No, not material properties). Guess its not as easy for me to give up as others did. I can't fully forget about reality during those hours. Even before I sleep everynight, these thoughts still haunt me and worst off, occasionally in my dreams as well. Facts ain't something that is detached so easily, be it permanent or temporary. I tried looking for answers for the many questions regarding many different topics in my heart during the camp. Unfortunately, only a few were answered, and that is not enough. Again, I'm forced to accept that I'm really too powerless, perhaps so much that I can't even fend me from myself.
But it wasn't all that bad. after all, I DID found some answers. Sometimes, preaching is what it takes to make us move on. Theres a huge difference between knowing it and being told about it. The latter is what sets the motion going. What I heard during the camp is something from the bottom of my heart, just that one way or another I had eluded acceptance. I understand that my constant intra-conflict will be my downfall, but at the same time it keeps me sane, contradictive, yea (As to how and why is that, I will not touch here) Pastor Mike was great, I like the way he interprets and I see logical reasoning in it. Truth be said, of the many pastor I've met, some were quite disappointing. ShuE and Renjie, thanks for asking me to ask for prayers and answers from Pastor Mike, but what he gave me was nothing out of the ordinary (I mean his answer to my waiting, not his prayers, the latter which I honestly appreciate), guess all I can do is wait. You can feel another's sincerity when they really mean it. And glad to say, Pastor Mike's had reached me, bless him.
Sad to say, I did receive some bad news when I came back from the camp yesterday. Mum's not feeling well, and a dear friend of mine just met with an emotional trial that seems to set her off the wrong direction. For those who is reading now, please pray that those who are lost can be found again. I honestly don't want my friends going down the wrong path and not doing a single thing about it. But then again, its during these times that I realise that I am really a helpless piece of junk that can do nothing but offer words, which aren't of any use. Its not anything new, but facing it is hard.
"So pray", I guess thats what most people would say. And I guess some would even say "just leave it". The latter is something I will NOT do. Theres already too few caring going around, thus I don't want to withdraw mine. If anyone is going to take something from this entry, make it this one: Don't say "I don't care." Realise what that really means and the change that it can bring. At least do your own part before you complain.
Friday, September 25, 2009
"The Little Things"
With Danny Elfman's "The Little Things" blaring inside my room, eyup, what a great atmosphere that speaks for itself. Finals, over. Results, crashin for sure. Wallet AND cellphone gone at the same time. Don't you just love the people in this world? No hesitation to pick up something that clearly aint theirs. Yes, a certain blardy bastard juz made me lost nearin RM900 worth of asset in 10minutes. If theres any salvation for this guy, that is keepin his identity a secret from me, else nothing in this world be it mortal or not won't cancel his ticket to being my stress relieve. Hell yes, definitely not in the mood for any soft negotiations.
Well, with that hell-bent desire kept safely in a corner of the heart, I'd havta say I'm nt completely a berserker right now. Yes, the moment I can't find it in the hall, I know very well its very much a goner by then. Thought might give the world a chance to redeem itself in my eyes. But nope, that dint happen. Its as forsaken a place as I last remember it. Its not in my nature to brood over lost properties. Pointless, if you ask me. But that does not mean I enjoy it neither, the heavy feelings won't disappear so fast. Juz one of those times when you wish killin weren't illegal...
But then again, I know very well that if tat bastard return my properties to me, I'll very much forgive him. Typical, thinking of forgiving someone who has no intention of asking for it...But my lost aside, I'm pretty worried about my results as well. If a blessing is to come after misfortune, let it dawn upon my results. Though, reality does not change that easily. Twenty years of living had taught me a lesson that i'm someone that will never have de luxury of good luck, in EVRYTHING. For me,its either sink or swim till your lungs burst in this helluva place called earth...
Well, with that hell-bent desire kept safely in a corner of the heart, I'd havta say I'm nt completely a berserker right now. Yes, the moment I can't find it in the hall, I know very well its very much a goner by then. Thought might give the world a chance to redeem itself in my eyes. But nope, that dint happen. Its as forsaken a place as I last remember it. Its not in my nature to brood over lost properties. Pointless, if you ask me. But that does not mean I enjoy it neither, the heavy feelings won't disappear so fast. Juz one of those times when you wish killin weren't illegal...
But then again, I know very well that if tat bastard return my properties to me, I'll very much forgive him. Typical, thinking of forgiving someone who has no intention of asking for it...But my lost aside, I'm pretty worried about my results as well. If a blessing is to come after misfortune, let it dawn upon my results. Though, reality does not change that easily. Twenty years of living had taught me a lesson that i'm someone that will never have de luxury of good luck, in EVRYTHING. For me,its either sink or swim till your lungs burst in this helluva place called earth...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
In Memory Of CWKit
Hm...12am, 14th September 2009...That marks the third year I guess. Time passes so fast, tears no longer fall and the pain has long since numbed. But the sentiments did not fade, though there were times when I forgot bout it, just a small flick is enough to remind me its there...I'll be visiting you at 9am, wonder if the atmosphere there will invoke anything special...
Death has a very special way of bringing out the best of someone. Guess that is why they say we never cherish anyone till they're gone. You may have no idea how much you mean to us back then, neither do we. But the moment you're taken away from us, reality made itself very apparent. And for the first yet sadly the last time, your life's worth spoke for itself. The tears that run on everyone's cheek that day was not for show. The meaning of your death has taught each of us a very important lesson. Though it may probably differ among us, I do believe that so far its the most cherished and valuable we have gained.
I do wonder at times what will become of us if you are still around. Your leaving is somehow a significant impact on our lives. I know not about others, but I do know that what I am today had a great deal to do with you. Since young, I may not be your closest buddy but I do desperately chase after you from the back all the time. You excel in sports naturally and a daredevil as well. All I'm capable of is walk in your shadow...*sigh...Not only aims in life, but the way my mind think is greatly influenced by you. How materialistic you are, extreme measures just to achieve your cause yet hurting no one, ignorance of others and holding firmly to what you believe is right (the very same reasons why we fought so much...^^) Till the moment you're gone, you still taught me how subtle reality is. Due to that, I view the world in a way not comprehensible by many who did not go through the lost of someone so important in front of their eyes.
Come to think of it, I never really took much pictures with you. I still remember we had plans to go all out crazy if we're to work at Genting again. I didn't join you for the first time, thus I missed the last time as well.
This pose of yours do remind me of what idiots we are back then; not a care in the world. I can very much see ourselves growing up like alot of those "kids" surrounding me now. Will your sense of "justice" overwhelm you and make enemies for us again??? I dunno...I never really got into as much trouble as you...
18 is indeed too young an age to go, but we who remained here on earth will not let it go to waste. Its stupid how we wish for death sincerely over trivial matters like stress and love issues. You, who had it forcibly taken away from you must be so willing to trade places I guess. But I think your friends will promise you this; we WILL live to our utmost, as not to insult the life you lost. As much words as I can put in here, they will never be able to express your worth in our lives and how much you mean to us.
Missing you sincerely bro. May you rest peacefully in heaven...
Death has a very special way of bringing out the best of someone. Guess that is why they say we never cherish anyone till they're gone. You may have no idea how much you mean to us back then, neither do we. But the moment you're taken away from us, reality made itself very apparent. And for the first yet sadly the last time, your life's worth spoke for itself. The tears that run on everyone's cheek that day was not for show. The meaning of your death has taught each of us a very important lesson. Though it may probably differ among us, I do believe that so far its the most cherished and valuable we have gained.
I do wonder at times what will become of us if you are still around. Your leaving is somehow a significant impact on our lives. I know not about others, but I do know that what I am today had a great deal to do with you. Since young, I may not be your closest buddy but I do desperately chase after you from the back all the time. You excel in sports naturally and a daredevil as well. All I'm capable of is walk in your shadow...*sigh...Not only aims in life, but the way my mind think is greatly influenced by you. How materialistic you are, extreme measures just to achieve your cause yet hurting no one, ignorance of others and holding firmly to what you believe is right (the very same reasons why we fought so much...^^) Till the moment you're gone, you still taught me how subtle reality is. Due to that, I view the world in a way not comprehensible by many who did not go through the lost of someone so important in front of their eyes.
Come to think of it, I never really took much pictures with you. I still remember we had plans to go all out crazy if we're to work at Genting again. I didn't join you for the first time, thus I missed the last time as well.
This pose of yours do remind me of what idiots we are back then; not a care in the world. I can very much see ourselves growing up like alot of those "kids" surrounding me now. Will your sense of "justice" overwhelm you and make enemies for us again??? I dunno...I never really got into as much trouble as you...
18 is indeed too young an age to go, but we who remained here on earth will not let it go to waste. Its stupid how we wish for death sincerely over trivial matters like stress and love issues. You, who had it forcibly taken away from you must be so willing to trade places I guess. But I think your friends will promise you this; we WILL live to our utmost, as not to insult the life you lost. As much words as I can put in here, they will never be able to express your worth in our lives and how much you mean to us.
Missing you sincerely bro. May you rest peacefully in heaven...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Countdown to Annihilation~Pure Ranting
Sigh....What exactly am I doing here in the middle of the night? Yes, in roughly about 30 hours time I'll b sitting for my first paper of the finals - History of English Language (Cheers and Applause), therefore I should REALLY be studying rite NOW!!! Honestly I'm just taking a break from a 2-hour session of Brain-Abuse (I'll file a legal suit with the Brains Welfare Association) And what I really feel like doing right now is take a cool shower and head to bed. AH~~~~what blissful wishes~~~~well....they're not happening... T.T
As much chaotic as my mood had been throughout the week, I believe I really hid it well. I don't think anyone noticed that I'm ready to scream out in frustration and agony, AND I really feel like giving everything up and just let the world consume me then. But by some miracles, I manage to sober up a little, just a little, enough to allow me to continue living, I guess. What really happened, I couldn't exactly put it in words. Thoughts just consume one another inside the mind; Logic and Sentiments are waging a fierce war. Though, I'm glad its at least stopped for now, allowing me to do some decent reading and blogging.
Just why is it I'm letting my sentiments control me like that? I still remember days when I swore to myself that I, of all people, will not let this happen to me. Logic and Reasoning will always be my guide. Enlightenment perhaps? Not really sure...But i do notice that I've managed to emphatise more (perhaps, even easier/better, can't tell) with people posed with the same or similar issues. Come to think of it, I recall my friends telling me "its not easy for us to tell you why, you need to experience this to understand" and also "these must be felt, you cant justify it using logic reasons." Wow...Now I can see that its true. Perhaps for you guys reading this right now you can't really feel what I'm going through, possibly even just laughing your head off for multiple reasons I myself can sum up. But its really something incomprehensible; how feelings can rip you off sanity...
For the sake of those that actually read till this part of my blog, I'm sorry I have to say that I CAN'T tell you why I'm in such a chaotic mood. In respect to another individual involved (though you might be able to guess what's happening by now) I can't post too much here. But if you are still reading, please remember that I'm glad you are here. Blessed be all of you who stood by me^^ I am happy I found alot of friends that are true to me. Thanks. Now I should head back to the book^^
P.S. If there comes a day where I changed for selfish reasons that are inevitable, I will not bear a grudge if you all turn your backs on me, all of you had did enough for me, be it intentionally or not...
As much chaotic as my mood had been throughout the week, I believe I really hid it well. I don't think anyone noticed that I'm ready to scream out in frustration and agony, AND I really feel like giving everything up and just let the world consume me then. But by some miracles, I manage to sober up a little, just a little, enough to allow me to continue living, I guess. What really happened, I couldn't exactly put it in words. Thoughts just consume one another inside the mind; Logic and Sentiments are waging a fierce war. Though, I'm glad its at least stopped for now, allowing me to do some decent reading and blogging.
Just why is it I'm letting my sentiments control me like that? I still remember days when I swore to myself that I, of all people, will not let this happen to me. Logic and Reasoning will always be my guide. Enlightenment perhaps? Not really sure...But i do notice that I've managed to emphatise more (perhaps, even easier/better, can't tell) with people posed with the same or similar issues. Come to think of it, I recall my friends telling me "its not easy for us to tell you why, you need to experience this to understand" and also "these must be felt, you cant justify it using logic reasons." Wow...Now I can see that its true. Perhaps for you guys reading this right now you can't really feel what I'm going through, possibly even just laughing your head off for multiple reasons I myself can sum up. But its really something incomprehensible; how feelings can rip you off sanity...
For the sake of those that actually read till this part of my blog, I'm sorry I have to say that I CAN'T tell you why I'm in such a chaotic mood. In respect to another individual involved (though you might be able to guess what's happening by now) I can't post too much here. But if you are still reading, please remember that I'm glad you are here. Blessed be all of you who stood by me^^ I am happy I found alot of friends that are true to me. Thanks. Now I should head back to the book^^
P.S. If there comes a day where I changed for selfish reasons that are inevitable, I will not bear a grudge if you all turn your backs on me, all of you had did enough for me, be it intentionally or not...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
How issues revolve into a different theme...
Last night's CF was a very special one. No, its not the events, I get to talk about some important issues with some of my very precious friends. Their view did not came as something new. But knowing that there are still people like that around you can be a very special feeling, this is something I'm sorry to say I'd forgotten for a long time due to distracting issues. My religion and believes aren't really that important. In the end, it is whether people really see you as you are. I do not know how I appear in your eyes guys, but I have faith in you all. Thanks...^^
But like one of them said, "The trials are always there, we did not fall for temptation, we are just weak as humans and failed in a hard trial, that's all". Now that is some sort of comforting view if I apply that to some of my problems in life. I wasted no time in trying. Well yes. Immediately the effect is obvious. But in the light of a new view of things a new control of the mindset is in line. As well as a whole new load of patience to adjust. The last part didn't work out too well. Ending up having a quarrel with my loved one. Even now as I write I'm actually fighting on the other end. But I do see alot of people around me is facing different types of problems. Each as damaging to them as mine to me. I do wish I can help them, even though I'm not in a fit state to do that. Trying to emphatize with others is what I'm trying to do, and failing miserably...God knows what'll become of me...perhaps I've lost sight of the important things, too deluged in my own thoughts to realize that...
The world revolves when we keep thinking and explore new ideas, life is never meant to be easy, full of trials, one might say, and we as humans are weak. But I do believe that each of us holds the power to perservere, and hope will keep us going. I do hope I can, I really do...
Hosanna...
But like one of them said, "The trials are always there, we did not fall for temptation, we are just weak as humans and failed in a hard trial, that's all". Now that is some sort of comforting view if I apply that to some of my problems in life. I wasted no time in trying. Well yes. Immediately the effect is obvious. But in the light of a new view of things a new control of the mindset is in line. As well as a whole new load of patience to adjust. The last part didn't work out too well. Ending up having a quarrel with my loved one. Even now as I write I'm actually fighting on the other end. But I do see alot of people around me is facing different types of problems. Each as damaging to them as mine to me. I do wish I can help them, even though I'm not in a fit state to do that. Trying to emphatize with others is what I'm trying to do, and failing miserably...God knows what'll become of me...perhaps I've lost sight of the important things, too deluged in my own thoughts to realize that...
The world revolves when we keep thinking and explore new ideas, life is never meant to be easy, full of trials, one might say, and we as humans are weak. But I do believe that each of us holds the power to perservere, and hope will keep us going. I do hope I can, I really do...
Hosanna...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Smearing the first smudge; first entry...
Sigh*...Once again I have chosen to seek solace in blog writing. After coming to this earth for 20 years, I honestly didn't accomplish much. But keeping a blog may be a good way to check my line of life as it progress, of course, with the assumption of consistent entries will be added. ^^
Today wasn't any special to me. Had a presentation this morning that did not went too well, failed my History of English Language (HOEL) quiz yesterday, enjoying a sinus-free day now after 5 days of agony, and to top the cake with icing; entered non-speaking terms with the one I love. *Sigh...Being a guy I'm pretty much pathetic, since I couldn't do anything more than rant on my new blog...AND I'm suppose to be doing my assignments and revise for my imminent finals! Honestly, WHAT has gotten into me?
Just to think back on the changes that has befall me since uni-life. Quite alot, actually. My first love is here (though I never get on with a relationship even though I wan to), I started to pay a steeper attention to my grades, and of course, meeting with a lot of people has brought a decent change as to how I 'mask" myself in the public nowadays. Putting my present self next to the past, eyup, I couldn't recognise myself any more...
As to how my life had become, well, it is pretty much your average uni-student style. The first and biggest problem that came was, of course, how I communicate with my parents. A drastic change is always accompanied by dramatic conflicts. But praise god That was settled early back at the beginning of the year. Now I'm fairly comfortable with my family. Next was my grades. This pretty much depended on how much efforts I am willing to dish out, simple sow and reap. No regrets, though it could've been better. It ain't as simple as studying everyday. Having reach the beginning of my twenties, I had recognised the fundamentals of commitments I need to shoulder; sports, social life, extra-curricular activities, and even house chores. Sounds pretty insignificant but I do think these shape who I am today, since these are the things I chose to fill my life with.
But I really don't know how to handle a love relationship effectively. Perhaps I started wrong, or even are holding on to the wrong sentiments. I know very well what I am capable of doing, and the consequences of all choices presented upon me. Though I used to be very composed, in front of her I just loose my sanity. Now I know what it feels like to have a long term heartache. But after all those complaints, I know my feeling towards her is genuine.
Though pretty much an atheist now, I do try to believe in God. So I shall leave it to him to guide to do what is right. I believe there are plans out there for each of us, I truly want to see how mine will be.
Guess this will be the end of my first entry. I must say my style of writing haven't change much ever since I first blogged. Let's just see what brings before the next entry.
Hosanna ^^
Today wasn't any special to me. Had a presentation this morning that did not went too well, failed my History of English Language (HOEL) quiz yesterday, enjoying a sinus-free day now after 5 days of agony, and to top the cake with icing; entered non-speaking terms with the one I love. *Sigh...Being a guy I'm pretty much pathetic, since I couldn't do anything more than rant on my new blog...AND I'm suppose to be doing my assignments and revise for my imminent finals! Honestly, WHAT has gotten into me?
Just to think back on the changes that has befall me since uni-life. Quite alot, actually. My first love is here (though I never get on with a relationship even though I wan to), I started to pay a steeper attention to my grades, and of course, meeting with a lot of people has brought a decent change as to how I 'mask" myself in the public nowadays. Putting my present self next to the past, eyup, I couldn't recognise myself any more...
As to how my life had become, well, it is pretty much your average uni-student style. The first and biggest problem that came was, of course, how I communicate with my parents. A drastic change is always accompanied by dramatic conflicts. But praise god That was settled early back at the beginning of the year. Now I'm fairly comfortable with my family. Next was my grades. This pretty much depended on how much efforts I am willing to dish out, simple sow and reap. No regrets, though it could've been better. It ain't as simple as studying everyday. Having reach the beginning of my twenties, I had recognised the fundamentals of commitments I need to shoulder; sports, social life, extra-curricular activities, and even house chores. Sounds pretty insignificant but I do think these shape who I am today, since these are the things I chose to fill my life with.
But I really don't know how to handle a love relationship effectively. Perhaps I started wrong, or even are holding on to the wrong sentiments. I know very well what I am capable of doing, and the consequences of all choices presented upon me. Though I used to be very composed, in front of her I just loose my sanity. Now I know what it feels like to have a long term heartache. But after all those complaints, I know my feeling towards her is genuine.
Though pretty much an atheist now, I do try to believe in God. So I shall leave it to him to guide to do what is right. I believe there are plans out there for each of us, I truly want to see how mine will be.
Guess this will be the end of my first entry. I must say my style of writing haven't change much ever since I first blogged. Let's just see what brings before the next entry.
Hosanna ^^
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